


Easy To Love

by FallOutStucky



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Boys In Love, Crushes, First Kiss, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Summer, Summer Vacation, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 13:53:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20893163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallOutStucky/pseuds/FallOutStucky
Summary: "I think I'm falling for someone."Chanyeol feels his heart drop into his stomach as Sehun mutters those few words. The feeling is heavy, and it hurts, accompanied by a wave of coldness running down his spine."Would you look at that", Chanyeol manages to mutter. His voice sounds hoarse, but he blames this to the heat. "And here I was, thinking you're not capabale of emotions."((Or: Being in love with your best friend was already bad in its own. But it gets especially difficult if your best friend just so happens to be in love with someone else))





	Easy To Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TakeAChanse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeAChanse/gifts).

> I'm dedicating this fic to one of my fave people in the whole world:
> 
> Happy Birhtday Zoe, I hope you enjoy this and have the best day ever!!!!  
((I edited this till 1am last night in order to have it finished today. I actually didn't plan this but then I thought that it had to be a sign that I finished it after all this months, exactly in time for your birthday))

"I think I'm falling for someone."

Chanyeol feels his heart drop into his stomach as Sehun mutters those few words. The feeling is heavy, and it hurts, accompanied by a wave of coldness running down his spine. They are in Chanyeol's room. Sehun is spread out on the bed, only wearing a pair of too small shorts and a loose shirt. Chanyeol leans against the frame, in a black tank top and his swim trunks. He's fanning himself with a piece of cardboard he has found somewhere under his bed. Every window is open, but the blinds are shut. It's their last try to get some relieve from the heat after it had even gotten too hot to stay outside in their backyard pool.

But despite the burning heat Chanyeol freezes upon hearing Sehun.

"Would you look at that", Chanyeol manages to mutter. His voice sounds hoarse, but he blames this to the heat. "And here I was, thinking you're not capable of emotions."

Joking. Joking is good he thinks. Good to cover up his real feelings.

Sehun chuckles and throws a pillow at Chanyeol. The older groans upon the contact on his hot sweaty skin.

"Shut up, asshole. I'm not that much of an emotional cripple."

Chanyeol turns around to watch Sehun closely. He's playing with the small bear toy Chanyeol has had ever since he'd been a small child. It's pretty used and has been in the washing machine quite often. Sehun loved playing with it ever since they'd been young. Seeing him play with it now was comforting to Chanyeol, it made him happy that Sehun loved something so dear to Chanyeol himself. It made him hope that nothing might change.

The younger's cheeks are a pretty red colour. Chanyeol doesn't know whether it's because of the heat or because he's feeling embarrassed talking about his feelings.

"I just never found someone I was interested in." He shrugs again, avoiding all eye contact with Chanyeol and watching his fingers tug at the plush doll's small ears.

"And that changed now?", Chanyeol asks.

"Yeah, I think… I don't know." This time the blush surely isn't because of the heat. "I just started to realize that I might feel more for someone than just friendship… maybe... I don't know."

"Oh." Chanyeol is again at a loss of words. He had always thought that Sehun just wasn't like that. Chanyeol and all their other friends had crushes and relationships all throughout school and university but not Sehun. Whenever anyone would say something about his lack of romantic or sexual interest, he'd just shrug without commenting on it. Maybe he wasn't interested in relationships at all and if that was the case then that was okay but if he was that would have been okay too. Maybe he just needed time, maybe he wanted to focus on his studies first, who knew.

Chanyeol had just always assumed Sehun to be asexual. It wasn't unnormal. People lived their whole life without being in a relationship and where totally happy about it. It also somehow made things easier for Chanyeol. It made the pain more bearable because he knew that there was no chance. He knew that it wasn't because of him. It made it easier because he knew that even though Sehun would never love him as more than a friend, he also knew that Sehun would never love anyone else as more than a friend too. Which meant that no matter what, they'd always be together. Chanyeol would always be the most important person in his life.

Sure, Chanyeol was only guessing since Sehun had never confirmed anything about his sexuality and some of their friends just thought it was his nature. Which was also plausible because if he was being honest, he had never seen Sehun voice or express much affection to anyone.

But now that Chanyeol knows that Sehun is indeed capable of those feelings, there is only one sentence left in Chanyeol's head. Running through his mind, up and down, left and right.

Why not me?

Sehun is silent and still hasn't looked up, but his hands have stopped playing with the teddy bear. He swallows heavily obviously uncomfortable with the situation so Chanyeol thinks that he maybe had expected him to say something more.

He clears his throat, resting his head on the mattress.

"How did you realise?" He tries to sound as curious and supportive as he can. It's hard when his insides are bursting with jealousy.

Sehun turns a darker shade of red and this time Chanyeol is sure that it isn't from the heat. He still hasn't looked up.

"I kinda noticed it some time ago already, I guess. That something has changed in the way I saw them. It's hard to pin down it were really small, subtle things and at first it made me really mad. Because things have never been awkward between us and suddenly everything felt so uncomfortable and I didn't realise that this was due to me developing deeper feelings. Then everything calmed down a bit during mid-terms and I kind of forgot about it but then ..."

Chanyeol nods once, signalling Sehun that he should continue.

"Well, something happened. Something I don't really wanna talk about, but it made me realise that I might be falling in love with them.

"Oh", Chanyeol says, for the third time at a loss of words. He's curious what exactly happened to make Sehun realise this, but he would never pressure him into answering. While he is thinking about what to say to him though, something worse crosses his mind.

"Wait… you said they are your friend?", he asks hesitantly.

Sehun nods.

"So, it's someone I know?"

"Yes", Sehun whispers.

Chanyeol bites down on his inner cheek to not let out any sound revealing his true feelings.

Somehow this makes it worse. He doesn't understand why but knowing that Sehun prefers any of their friends over him does hurt not only his heart but also his pride. He always thought he was Sehun's favourite. With or without romantic feelings.

"Please don't try to find out who it is", Sehun whispers and he has finally looked up at Chanyeol, eyes pleading but soft. Chanyeol can't say no to those eyes. He gives a short nod.

"Okay."

Sehun nods too and for a moment they stay like this. Dark brown eyes staring into slightly lighter ones, both boys irritated about the sudden change that's wavering through the air, both with shirts soaked with sweat and sticking to their heated bodies. The whole afternoon they'd been in a light, joyful mood, it being the first week of the summer holidays, without any pressure from university, they had simply enjoyed spending their time with their best friend. Now they were both deep in thoughts though, Chanyeol feeling as if a ginormous weight was pressing down onto his chest.

He blinks and the moment is broken. Sehun looks back down, clutching the bear against his chest. Chanyeol has never seen him like this, doesn't really know how to handle him in such a situation. Sehun never really showed his emotions like this, though Chanyeol couldn't really call this showing his emotions. When all Sehun did was be even more reserved about them than usual.

Chanyeol's own emotions though were a whole big mess. He was heartbroken because the boy he's been in love with for over five years loved someone else, he was angry about the fact that this someone was one of their friends and he was sad that his best friend wouldn't tell him who this someone was.

The older wouldn't pressure him though, that would only hurt the trust and acceptance that had always been between them. Sehun just needed time, he told himself.

"I'll tell you someday. When I feel ready for it", Sehun says in that moment, as if he has read Chanyeol's thoughts. It is creepy sometimes that they always seem to know what the other is thinking.

"It's okay", Chanyeol answers, voice still sounding a bit strained.

Sehun nods without looking at him before he rolls onto his back, putting back the teddy onto Chanyeol's pillow. He is apparently done talking about this so Chanyeol just lets him be.

"I'm just scared", Sehun whispers eventually after they haven't said anything for about ten minutes. Each of them in their own thoughts.

Chanyeol sits up from the floor and down again on the bed, closer to Sehun. The younger has sat up into an upright position, back leaning against the wall. Chanyeol looks at him with an encouraging smile.

"Why?" Despite the smile on his face he sounds almost angry. Why is Sehun scared to tell Chanyeol about this person? Why is he scared to be in love with them?

Sehun shrugs before scooting closer and leaning against Chanyeol, dropping his head onto the elder's shoulder. Seeking the other's comfort without caring about how their sweat soaked skin would stick together and make them feel even warmer.

"I've never felt like this before", Sehun says then. "It's foreign and weird and I don't know what to do about it. I'm scared to act upon it because it might ruin the relationship we have now. I'm scared to have my heart get broken. But most of all I'm scared it will ruin us. You and me."

Chanyeol blinks. He couldn't have heard that right. "What? Why should it ruin us?"

The truth is he understands. He too, is scared that their friendship might suffer under Sehun's feelings. Chanyeol doesn't know how to share Sehun with someone, doesn't like the thought of not being Sehun's number one person anymore. He also understands that ultimately it won't be Sehun's feelings destroying their friendship but his.

"Because I'm breaking the trust between us by not telling you who it is", Sehun then answers though, throwing Chanyeol back.

He shakes his head, because that most certainly isn't a problem.

"No. You're not breaking our trust. On the contrary. I trust you enough to know that if you tell me that you're not ready then you're not ready. If the time comes and things between you and whoever it is you like get serious, I'll be there for you. I’ll be there for you if it works out and you life happily ever after and if they break your heart I’ll be there to patch you back together and beat the hell out of them for hurting you. And until then I'm also there for you, no matter how much you want to tell me, I'll accept it. Because I'm your best friend."

I'll always be at your side, not matter how much it hurts me.

Sehun nods and Chanyeol feels him sniff once. There are probably tears in his eyes.

"Thank you hyung."

And then he does the only thing he knows how to do. Something he has always done in all the years he has been Sehun's best friend, whenever the other was even slightly sad.

He just pulls Sehun close and hugs him until the younger has forgotten all about his sorrows.

~•☆•~

That night, some hours after Sehun has left, Chanyeol is freshly showered and goes over to Jongin's. A bottle of cheap vodka in hand, he walks across the street.

After he presses the button for the bell a second time, the door opens and he finds himself in front of a tired looking Kim Jongin, dressed in nothing but a pair of sweatpants. The younger man has obviously already gone to bed before Chanyeol had come to bang at his door. That can only mean that he has to work the early shift the next day. Chanyeol can't say he cares, he needs him now.

"Sehun's in love with someone", he blurts out without a hello. Pushing the bottle of alcohol into Jongin's hold he rounds his neighbour and makes his way through the hallway all the way to the Kim's back porch.

He knows that Jongin's parents aren't home since they are out to dinner with his own parents. And that always takes till long after midnight.

Jongin runs after him, coming to a stand in front of Chanyeol just as the younger has plopped down on one of the garden chairs standing on the Kim's porch. Jongin catches up to him and places the vodka bottle on the floor next to Chanyeol, then he props his hands into his hips, raising one eyebrow at his friend.

"What do you mean, Sehun's in love with someone? Is that supposed to be a joke?"

"It most definitely is not."

Chanyeol shrugs, uncapping the bottle and taking a big gulp of the clear liquid. The burning taste stings in his throat and he shivers before answering.

"I don't know how or why or what. It's what he told me. He came over around noon to join me in the pool and then afterwards when we were hanging out in my room he just said something along the lines of 'I think I'm falling in love'", Chanyeol spits out, voice as bitter as the taste on his tongue. "Or something", he adds.

Jongin blinks, jaw slack with his mouth slightly open. "For real now?"

Chanyeol nods, probably looking as defeated as he feels.

"Shit. I'm texting Jinki that I can't come tomorrow."

He sits down on the chair opposite from Chanyeol's before reaching forward to take the bottle from Chanyeol and takes a sip as well. All while tapping away on his phone, probably sending that text to his boss.

"Our Sehun? Who you basically have to physically force into showing any kind of emotions? Is in love?", he asks after swallowing down the burning liquid.

Chanyeol nods once more, getting back the bottle from Jongin.

"With whom?", Jongin asks, still not fully believing Chanyeol's words.

Chanyeol looks into the vodka bottle which is slowly getting emptier. "Apparently someone I know. Someone he considers his friend."

"Huh." Jongin thinks for a moment. His thoughts are obviously drifting to focus on all the members of Chanyeol's and Sehun's circle of acquaintances, scanning everyone for clues that they might be Sehun's crush. "Oh my god what if it's Baekhyun?"

Chanyeol thinks about it for a moment only to shake his head. "No. I don't think so. He's been hooking up with that Chinese exchange student quite often recently and Sehun wouldn't go after someone who's already in a relationship." He takes another sip of vodka.

"Tao?", Jongin suggests next, naming the boy who lives next to Sehun and Chanyeol and to whom the younger had grown close to over the last two years. "Or Jongdae or…wait." Jongin comes back out of his thoughts staring straight at Chanyeol. "Wait, does Sehun even like boys?"

"I…", Chanyeol starts before abruptly closing his mouth again. He doesn't know. He actually doesn't know. Sehun's been his best friend for eighteen years. Ever since their family has moved in around the corner to their street. The Oh family had two sons. An older one who was already in primary school and a young boy of barley two years. Sehun and his brother were only raised by their mum who had to work the whole day but Chanyeol's mother stayed at home with her kids, so she had offered to babysit their neighbours' son as well. From there on Sehun and Chanyeol had spent almost no day apart from each other. (Apart from the year Chanyeol had entered Uni earlier than Sehun but they didn’t talk about that) It had been eighteen years. Eighteen years in which they have told each other absolutely everything. But somehow, in all these years Chanyeol had somehow never found out his best friend's sexual preference.

"I don't know", he eventually admits out loud, staring at Jongin. "I really don't know", he says again, quieter this time.

"Okay, so…" Sometime during Chanyeol's guilt trip about not knowing his best friend's sexual preference, the younger has taken the bottle back and almost drunken all of the remaining liqour. His words come out slightly slurred. "It could basically be anyone."

Chanyeol nods. "Yep." His head too has started to feel lighter. He isn't exactly a light weight but half a bottle of vodka in this heat could do something.

His fingers have begun to trail along the flowery templates on the chair's cushion as he softly hums.

"I bet it's Johnny."

"Johnny? Who?"

Chanyeol meets eyes with Jongin. He sighs deeply.

"Johnny is this guy who studies with Sehun. He´s been talking about him non-stop ever since they´ve become friends last year.”

Chanyeol shivers only thinking about it. Johnny came to their university at the start of his and Sehun’s second year after moving to Korea. Like Sehun he was studying journalism and they shared most of their classes together. Sometimes it was annoying how much time they spend together and Chanyeol’s always been a bit jealous of the bond Sehun and Johnny had. But before it had only been in the sense that Chanyeol didn´t want to share his best friend position. Which was dumb. Because if someone asked Chanyeol who his best friend was he´d answer Jongin without thinking twice. Sehun wasn´t his best friend, he was his soulmate, his other half. They knew each other in and out, with all their imperfections. Still, he couldn´t help but envy the time Sehun spend with Johnny. He had met him several times, wanting to know what was so special about him for Sehun to be this invested in their relatively new friendship. That had only made things worse.

“He´s practically perfect. He´s tall and handsome, he is one of the top students at our university and he´s the best player and captain of our volleyball team even though he only joined this year. And the worst thing about it is that despite all that he isn´t an asshole. No, on the contrary, he´s super nice and funny, he´s taking care of everyone, he´s incredibly talented in almost everything he does. He also lived in America before moving to Korea to study, so he has that kind of exotic foreigner touch to him. It´s disgusting.”

Jongin had listened without commenting and was now laughing, almost choking on the vodka he was trying to drink.

“Hey!”, Chanyeol pouts at him. Here he was emptying his heart out and Jongin was laughing at him. What kind of best friend was he? “Could you please stop laughing?”

Jongin nods, trying his best not to choke. “It´s just that, hearing you talk about him like that, one might think that you are the one in love with him.”

Chanyeol rolls his eyes. “I´m just listing facts. You can ask anyone from our Uni … why did he have to choose Sehun as his best friend… out of all people.”

Jongin just stared at him for a long time. Chanyeol wasn´t sure whether he is thinking or just already drunk enough to zone out like that. When it takes him too long, the older nudged him with his foot.

“Jongin?”

He lets out a sigh. “I hate this Johnny guy already.”

“You don´t even know him. He's loveable really… if he isn't hanging around your crush 24/7…"

Jongin shrugged. “Yeah but he´s making my best friend sad and that´s enough for me to hate him.”

That made Chanyeol smile, he knew why he had chosen Jongin to be his partner back in seventh grade when they needed to pick someone to sit beside. Almost ten years of being best friends deemed his choice to be the right one.

“So, are we sure that it´s this Johnny guy?”, Jongin asks and Chanyeol only shrugs.

“I don´t know. Fuck.” He pushes the hair out of his sweaty face. It´s still very warm despite the late hour. “It makes the most sense to me. Johnny could make everyone fall in love with him.”

He lets his head drop into his hands, letting out a deep groan.

“Shit”, Jongin mutters.

“Yep. If it´s Johnny, my chances are like zero. No one can compete with him.” Especially not some idiot who´s been in love with his best friend for years without even noticing it, then continued to be a coward for five more years and rather waits for said best friend to fall in love with someone else, Chanyeol adds mentally.

Jongin vehemently shakes his head. “Don´t sell yourself short hyung. I´m sure you´re way better than this Johnny guy.”

This might not be true but Chanyeol appreciates the effort. In reality, he´s sure that even Jongin would fall in love with Johnny if he met him. And Jongin has been a very devoted partner to his High School boyfriend for over three years now.

He takes the bottle from Jongin only to realise that it´s empty. He places the empty thing on the little side table and leans back in the chair. It´s comfortable and his eyes feel heavy. Chanyeol is tired, because of the heat, because of the alcohol and because of his emotions.

After a while Jongin gets up. "I have two bottles of Soju in my room. I'm gonna go get them", he announces. Chanyeol just gives a short nod, mind too hazy to do anything more, but the prospect of more alcohol doesn't sound too bad. His heart is still aching so much. He needs to drown those damn feelings completely before he´s able to go back home and sleep.

When Jongin has left to roam his room for more alcohol, Chanyeol blankly stares out into the dark of the warm summer night. He feels the soft breeze on his skin, rather warm than cooling.

It takes him back.

It reminds him of nights similar to this one, back in High School, when him and Jongin used to do this quiet frequently. Whenever one of them was sad because he flunked a test or Jongin had a quarrel with his boyfriend or Chanyeol was moody because of his unreciprocated feelings for his best friend. They would sneak out onto Jongin's back porch, steal some alcohol from his older sisters and drink their pain away. It was probably the worst coping mechanism ever, but they were seventeen and didn't know any better.

Sehun had always hated it when he came to school smelling like some sort of liquor and looking like a literal mess. He would yell at him, ignoring Chanyeol´s complains about his too loud voice worsening his headache. After the first period he would drag Chanyeol home, force him to drink gallons of water and make him eggs with bacon and toast to soothe his hangover. He would often be angry at Jongin, saying that he was a bad influence on Chanyeol, forcing him to drink on a school´s night.

Chanyeol never told him that more often than not Sehun himself was the reason for Chanyeol's drinking escapades.

~•☆•~

The next day they all meet at the small café Baekhyun works at over the summer. It belongs to Sehun's older brother and they get most of their drinks for free.

They agree to meet at two, after Chanyeol and Jongin have slept out most of their hangover and are craving coffee and unhealthy food more than sleep. When Sehun texts him, asking why they've been drinking again Chanyeol lies and tells him that Jongin has had a fight with Taemin. It isn't unrealistic, the two of them have been fighting more often over the past few weeks. Taemin wants to move in together while Jongin says that he still needs some time and would rather stay in his dorm room. Sehun just sends an okay back and doesn't ask any more questions. It's an easy lie since Jongin will just say about anything to hide Chanyeol's crush on Sehun and Taemin is still at university, finishing his term papers.

Fifteen minutes before two, Junmyeon picks Jongin and him up with Minho's truck. He offered to take them so that they wouldn't have to walk through the heat with their thrumming heads. Junmyeon was like that, friendly, caring like an older sibling, but at the same time he would the first one to tease you about your mistakes. And no matter how nice it was to ride in Junmyeon's air-conditioned car, Chanyeol could very well do without the whole nagging from the driver's seat.

"Why the hell did you even decide to drink this much? You're not in High School anymore."

"I know", Jongin groans, pulling his baseball cap further down to shield his eyes from the sun. "Its just…"

"We kinda felt like it", Chanyeol interrupts him. Junmyeon has always been weirdly observant, the less he knows the better.

He shakes his head, smiling, but Chanyeol knows that he's disappointed. Though he also knows that the disappointment is just covered up worries buried even deeper under all his teasing. It's just a part of who he is, like an older brother he only wants to help the younger ones but will also give them a lot of shit about it.

They had befriended him back in High School and like Sehun he knew that Chanyeol and Jongin always had a (kinda) good reason to drink.

"You don't have to tell me but… just don't do it again."

Chanyeol nods. He's unsure about how much Junmyeon exactly knows about his feelings. He had only ever told Jongin about his crush, but he was pretty sure that Junmyeon did at least have an idea. He has been the one to predict Jongin's and Taemin's feelings for each other long before either of the two has had a clue about their feelings.

Junmyeon has been together with his boyfriend for nine years now so maybe it was just the experience that made him a helpful relationship expert. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk with Junmyeon about his unrequited crush, he then thought. Maybe the older could help. But then again, Junmyeon has always been closer to Sehun than to Chanyeol and his advice would probably be to talk to Sehun and Chanyeol sure as hell wasn't gonna do that.

He sighs.

"Cheer up. You'll get coffee and a piece of Donghae hyung’s strawberry cheesecake in a minute, the world will look better immediately", Junmyeon says, nudging Chanyeol's side with his elbow as he pulls into the parking lot across from the café. He is joking but Chanyeol really feels as if food could solve a lot of problems right now.

They are the first ones to arrive and Baekhyun greets them with a cheerful smile from behind the counter where he's stood preparing coffee.

Donghae is nowhere to be seen and Chanyeol guesses that he's in the kitchen.

Junmyeon leads them to their usual table in the far middle of the shop, it's not really a table more like two wooden grates surrounded by old couches. Within a second Baekhyun is with them. He sits down on the armrest next to Junmyeon.

"Oh wow you two _do_ like shit", he comments with a wicked smile upon getting a closer look at Chanyeol and Jongin. The latter only rolls his eyes but Chanyeol throws a paper napkin at their friend. His headache had worsened and he is in no mood for the smaller’s antics.

"Fuck off", he groans, sliding deeper into the cushions. "I know, I have mirrors at home."

He really knows that he looks like shit. Unlike Jongin he wasn't able to just put some kind of hat on his head, put some lotion on his face and look handsome again. Even after almost an hour in front of his bathroom mirror there were still dark bags under his glassy eyes and his dark hair was even messier than usual.

He kind of regrets leaving his house but the need for coffee had been stronger than his self-hate.

"You don't look like you do", Baekhyun snickers and Junmyeon pushes him off the couch.

"Stop teasing them and get us some cake and coffee. You don’t get paid for being annoying."

Baekhyun pouts at that. "You guys are no fun."

He still gets up to get their stuff. In the meantime, Jongin and Junmyeon engage in a talk about the vacation they have planned with their boyfriends in fall. Chanyeol uses the chance to close his eyes and doze off a little bit. He doesn't even realise when his cake and iced caramel latte arrives.

The next time he opens his eyes is when the little bell over the door jingles, announcing Sehun's arrival.

When he joins them at the table there's a troubled look in his eyes Chanyeol immediately picks up on.

"What's wrong?", he asks before anyone can even greet the youngest.

Sehun blinks confused before plopping down on the couch next to Chanyeol with a sigh. He leans his head against the elder's shoulder. It's something Sehun always does when he feels emotionally drained or uncomfortable. It was one of the small gestures which caused Chanyeol to not kill that small spark of hope in his heart. He really wishes that Sehun wouldn't do it but Chanyeol would never say that out loud, would never dare and take something from him that gave comfort and safety to the younger.

"I told Tao that I might have a crush on someone, and he began to laugh and told me something like haha nice joke." Sehun shrugs, taking Chanyeol's drink and taking a sip before placing it down on the table again. "I don't believe it. Am I not allowed to have feelings?"

"You have what?", Baekhyun and Junmyeon say simultaneously. Jongin, who already knew from Chanyeol, realises a bit too late that his missing reaction would give the real reason for their evening activity away. His fake shocked expression almost makes Chanyeol laugh if Sehun's words hadn't just reminded him again why he was feeling so miserable in the first place. That it was real, Sehun was in love with someone else, he hadn't just imagined it. It wasn't just a bad nightmare.

Sehun blinks at them, going back to his place on Chanyeol's shoulder. "Can you please not be weird about it as well? This is already hard enough for me…", he mutters.

"I'm sorry, this just comes… unexpected?", Junmyeon tries to retract.

"Yeah, how long has this been going on? Is it just a recent thing, have you been harbouring feelings for longer or…?", Jongin tries to sound curious and in a way he is, Chanyeol hasn't told him any bigger details and the rest of the evening was spend trying to figure out who the crush might be.

Sehun shrugs. "Both? Kind of… I only realised early this year that I had feelings and I needed some months to realise that those feelings were love but, in a way, I think that they have always been there and that I was just too dumb to notice."

Junmyeon stares at Chanyeol when he says that, one eyebrow raised and again he feels as if the older one knows something he isn't supposed to know. Chanyeol shrugs with the shoulder Sehun isn't occupying and quickly averts his eyes, pretending to listen to Sehun, as if he hasn't heard those words already when Sehun had told him the day before.

"…. just don't feel comfortable with everyone knowing their name", he mumbles. He has picked up Chanyeol's drink again and began to stir the milky liquid with the straw.

Junmyeon nods. "That's okay you don't have to tell us if you don't want to."

"Our little baby Sehunnie is in love I can't believe", Baekhyun says with a dreamy sigh, wiping a fake tear from his eye.

Donghae, who's walking by stops abruptly and gapes at them, then his eyes shoot over to his brother. "You're in love?"

Sehun frowns before nodding hesitantly, obviously not sure whether he should trust his brother with this or not. He obviously made the wrong choice because the next thing Donghae does is throw himself at Sehun, clutching his arm and faking a teary voice.

"I can't believe that I'm alive to watch this. Does mum know?"

Sehun's frown deepens. "What? No!"

He tries shoving Donghae off him. "Hyung, please. People are already watching."

Chanyeol is getting more and more uncomfortable. Can't they have a topic other than the fact that Sehun is in love? It's getting more and more difficult to pretend that he's happy for his best friend and that this whole thing isn't slowly burning him up from the inside.

Over the table his eyes meet Jongin's. The younger shoots him a questioning look. "Are you okay?", his worried eyes are asking.

Chanyeol shakes his head shortly, not wanting to do this right now. Of course, he's not okay but he can't change anything at the moment. Or ever.

"I never thought it was possible for you to produce emotions for anyone else than Chanyeol."

Sehun blinks at Donghae's words, his mouth halfway opened to reply but he never utters the words. His expression is unreadable to Chanyeol who's busy keeping his own emotions from bubbling up.

He looked surprised but then again not by his words but more because of the fact that Donghae has seemed to notice his behaviour. Chanyeol is surprised too if he's being honest. He always thought that Sehun's special affection towards him was mainly something Chanyeol's vulnerable heart had exaggerated. That Sehun isn't behaving differently with him. He doesn't know what to think just as much as Sehun doesn't know what to say.

Luckily, they are saved by Minho's arrival. Junmyeon jumps up from his chair to greet his boyfriend and receive his welcome kiss. They had been the first out of them to get together nine years ago, even before Chanyeol even met them and they were still as lovey dovey as they had been when they first started dating. From Taemin he knows that Minho has been looking for engagement rings for a while now and they were all just waiting for the proposal to happen. It is only a matter of time.

Of course, he is happy for them but sometimes Chanyeol envies how easy it has been for them. Easy was something he can never have. Because he is and idiot who’s helplessly and hopelessly in love with his best friend from childhood. His best friend from childhood, who loves someone else.

Minho eventually sits down next to Junmyeon and Baekhyun. He's not even able to look through the menu before Donghae swoops in and places a plate with apple pie and a cup of black coffee in front of him. They hadn't even noticed him leaving. Minho shoots the other a thankful smile and before they can start any kind of conversation Baekhyun suddenly yells.

"Oh hyung! Have you heard? Sehun has a crush." And just like that Chanyeol has to live through the whole thing again. He suddenly wishes he hadn't stopped drinking yesterday and there was Bailey's in his coffee instead of caramel syrup.

He is on his second piece of cheesecake when their topic finally changes.

"Ah Jongin could you solve your quarrel with Taemin?", Sehun asked in between taking bites from his chocolate muffin. Jongin stares at him, a confused look in his eyes. Shit, Chanyeol had completely forgotten to tell him about the small lie he had used.

"Oh, you had a fight with Taemin? He didn't say anything", Minho also comments and at once all attention is on Jongin. The younger is staring at Chanyeol who's not sure if he's confused, angry or just surprised. Probably a mixture of all three.

"Yeah… just the usual. Nothing major", he gives an evasive answer.

Meanwhile Chanyeol's eyes stray to Junmyeon who's eyebrows shoot up. He should have known that they can't fool him. Apparently, they can't fool Sehun as well.

"Nothing major doesn't cause you two to drink to the state that you're not able to function properly anymore…", he comments, taking his napkin to wipe the strawberry sauce from Chanyeol's mouth, who had accidentally smeared it all across his face. He has been too busy trying to signal Jongin with his eyes that he needs to lie for him.

The gesture feels painfully domestic and Chanyeol stares at the napkin Sehun places next to his plate like a dumbstruck idiot.

Jongin across from him shrugs. "We wanted to relive the good old times." Thankfully, he's a much better actor than Chanyeol.

"Is this still about the moving in together thing?", Minho asks. He's genuinely worried, not only as a friend but also as Taemin's older brother.

"Yeah…I", Jongin pauses. He has told Chanyeol that him and Taemin haven't talked with each other for over 3 days last week because of this dumb discussion and the question had probably made him think about it. "I don't know… it's complicated." He takes a sip from his coffee.

"Can we please change the topic? I don't want to talk about it now…"

For a moment no one says anything but thankfully they have Baekhyun who's a genius when it comes to relieving awkward tension. Without caring a second about anything he begins to tell about his one class where he accidentally called the professor daddy and the whole Jongin-fighting-with-Taemin and the Sehun-has-a-crush-topics are dropped.

Within a few seconds all sorrows and worries are forgotten, and they are all laughing and having fun again. Chanyeol does his best to laugh along but he only manages a half-hearted smile. He feels really bad, not only is his own love life nothing but pitiful, now he's also pulling his friends with him into his misery.

His phone lights up with a message. It's from Jongin.

'You owe me one bro'

~•☆~

"You know, summer's halfway over and all we've done is re-watch Queer Eye and drink too much coffee or sit at your pool and be lazy", Sehun says one day as he lies on one of the sun loungers next to Chanyeol's pool re-watching Queer Eye on his iPad.

"Not the worst activity to spend your summer with", Chanyeol answers. He's lying on the lounger next to his best friend, laptop balanced on his naked stomach, browsing through eBay to search for a birthday present for Taemin. Something that'd would arrive within three days. "Hey how about socks with our faces on it?"

"Nah, that's lame." Sehun goes back to watching Tan convincing the nth straight guy to do a French tuck. "Also, Minho and Taemin made something like that for Junmyeon's birthday last year."

"Oh right, I forgot." Chanyeol closes the tab and continues scrolling.

Dealing with Sehun's crush has gotten easier over the last two weeks. Mainly because after the initial shock none of them really spoke about it anymore. Sometimes Baekhyun and Jongin were still trying to figure out who it could be. Whenever that happened Chanyeol would try to direct the focus on a different topic, noticing Sehun's uncomfortable and slightly panicked expression. Of course, he was incredibly curious himself, in a cruel, masochistic kind of way, but he knew better than to pressure his friend into telling him something he wasn't ready to yet.

Chanyeol closes the tab and continues scrolling. When eBay doesn't deliver anything fitting, he opens up Redbubble and Etsy hoping to find something there. Next to him Sehun shuts his iPad down and places it next to his glass of soda on the little glass table between them. He motions for Chanyeol to turn his laptop screen so that he can look at the items he's scrolling through.

They search for about fifteen minutes with Chanyeol selecting several things but none of them are eccentric enough or if they are, they won't arrive in time. Eventually Chanyeol lets out a loud gasp.

"Oh my God."

"What? What? Show me", Sehun tugs at Chanyeol's arm so that he would angle the screen into a better position.

The item he has found is a pair of leggings with several pictures of Jeff Goldblum printed on it. They look absolutely hideous, weird and in every sense of the word perfect.

"Yes, please. Oh my God. If you're wearing those there's like a hundred percent chance that you're getting fucked", Sehun comments with a smirk. Chanyeol stares at him. That was the last thing he expected Sehun to say. It's a new side of Sehun, making blunt comments about sex, he usually avoided the topic at all costs. It's like discovering the desire for another person inside himself has made him become less prude on the outside as well. Chanyeol doesn't know how to react.

"Would that be something... you're into... like…", he looks away, pretending to take a sip from his diet coke to hide his red face. That might have been the worst reaction he could've probably given.

When he turns his head back, Sehun has his eyebrows raised at him, looking amused. "What?"

"I mean uhh… if your crush would wear those like would you…ahmm", he tries again. Even worse this time.

Sehun sighs, looking up at the cloud less sky above.

"Chanyeollie…" He sounds kind of disappointed. A cold shiver runs down Chanyeol's spine. He never thought he'd do or say something to disappoint Sehun. It was the last thing he wanted. He thinks back to the start of the holidays, when Sehun has first told him about his crush. Back then he had thought that it wouldn't be Sehun's feelings for someone else destroying their friendship but his own for Sehun. Back then he'd thought that it would take some time until then, that at the time he started to ruin things Sehun would already be together with his crush and they'd be happy. Chanyeol would move into a new apartment, alone, and be sad and lonely with his five dogs. Now he realises that it has already started.

"Chanyeollie listen, I understand that this is weird for you… it is weird for me too", he admits. "And that's okay, this is new. Me… feeling these kinds of things, we never talked about something like that and well we need to get used to this because I won't let this shit change us. I won't. I need you to do the same, okay?" He looks at Chanyeol, there's a plea in his eyes. And Chanyeol realises that he's not disappointed, he's scared. He extends one hand and Chanyeol meets his halfway, squeezing it reassuringly.

He nods, feeling ashamed suddenly. He wouldn't be like this with anyone else, Jongin regularly tells him about his sex life and Baekhyun's preferences aren't a secret to anyone. But then again, he isn't in love with Jongin or Baekhyun. Sehun is his best friend, he should be cool about it. It's been really only three weeks and his feelings are already getting in the way of them behaving like normal. And they are hurting Sehun. Chanyeol wants to slap himself.

"I'm sorry. It's just…yeah it's just new", he repeats what Sehun has said.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Sehun shrug. He has dropped Chanyeol’s hand and taken his glass with lemonade and is stirring through the ice cubes with his metal straw.

"We’ll get through it."

Chanyeol nods. He really hopes that Sehun is right.

"And to answer your question. I was actually talking about Jongin because I imagine him to be someone who's turned on by weird stuff like that. But for me… if he would be wearing those… I don't think I'd be able to keep my feelings to myself any longer."

Sehun can't help but smirk at Chanyeol flustered face. It's definitely the first time that the older is getting red because of something Sehun said instead of the other way around.

Chanyeol clicks on the order button in the right bottom corner. The order page says that it will arrive just in time. That doesn't even matter anymore. He completes the order as if on autopilot.

Him.

Sehun has said him. He probably didn't even notice it but Chanyeol did. He mentally added one more point to the list of things which confirmed Johnny to be Sehun's crush.

"Okay then I'll buy those, and we get him a bottle of this strawberry and cream liquor he likes so much."

After that he chugs the rest of his coke before putting his laptop to the side in order to jump into the pool. He can use the cool down.

~☆~

The day after Taemin's birthday is the hottest so far. Sehun was complaining the entire time about how boring everything is and by now he has infected the others with it. The only ones who seem to be content with doing nothing and just lying around are Chanyeol and Minseok. Maybe Junmyeon too but only because he's being entertained by his boyfriend who comes up with the dumbest things to keep him happy. The two of them have taken three weeks off from work to spend time together and with their friends and family and Minho made sure to make them as fun and exciting for Junmyeon as he could.

Chanyeol and Sehun are lying on the cold tiles of Minseok's living room, fanning themselves with the fans they found among Minseok's extensive amount of TVXQ merchandise. It's still not enough, the hot dry air pressing down on them.

"Will it ever be cold again?", Jongdae mumbles, he's spread out on the couch, eating his third blueberry popsicle and his lips are a violet colour.

"I don't think so", Baekhyun answers, he's helping Minseok bring the sandwiches he made into the living room. Like the rest of them he too looks like shit.

The hangover they are all still having after yesterday's party is making the heat feel even worse. Or the heat makes the hangover worse Chanyeol isn't sure. He takes the turkey sandwich Baekhyun hands him with a thankful nod, hoping that it will help with at least one of those things. He sits up to eat, his head spinning, and he groans. This was a bad idea. Sehun thinks so too, whining and groaning as he adjusts his weight to sit next to Chanyeol and takes the second plate from Baekhyun.

Originally, they had only planned for a chill party. Minho wanted to make a small BBQ and they were gonna drink a few bears and then play some board games. This changed though when someone had found two bottles of vodka and then Baekhyun had suggested they play drinking games and then suddenly there was more hard booze. Long story short, the last thing Chanyeol remembers is Taemin in his new Jeff Goldblum leggings and a neon pink crop top giving Jongin a lap dance to Britney's toxic.

There also was a vague memory of him and Sehun, stumbling across the street, arms around each other, giggling like schoolgirls. And then later one of Chanyeol and Baekhyun squishing together on Minseok's guest bed with Sehun draped on top of Chanyeol. It's way too tight and sweaty but they are drunk enough to only regret it the next day around 2 pm when they are woken up, with terrible headaches, by Sehun falling out of the bed and onto the cold floor.

At the start of the night they all had planned to go home, but after Minho opened the fourth bottle of vodka those plans had been discarded very quickly.

While Jongin and Junmyeon just stayed with their boyfriends, Chanyeol, Sehun, Baekhyun and Jongdae had ended up at Minseok's house across the street.

It isn't the first time that their activities have escalated like this but definitely the first time since Sehun, the youngest among them, had started college. It isn't that they didn't want to party anymore, their lives were just different now. Minho and Junmyeon both had full-time jobs and Minseok was working on his PhD while the others were spread out throughout the country, attending college. It just doesn't happen that often anymore.

While Chanyeol and Baekhyun had hit up the party scene at their university very often during their first year, even that had stopped as their study progressed and got harder. His main free time activity now, apart from studying, is watching movies with Sehun in their small apartment and who knows if he would be able to do this any longer as soon as he got together with his crush. It wasn't the most fun thing, but it had one big advantage. There was no risk of slipping up. The only times he went out now was when Baekhyun was in the mood for partying and dragged him along. Which wasn’t that often since the other had found himself a new companion to spend his nights with. It wasn't as much fun as when they used to go with Sehun or all of them together, but it was safe. Before Sehun had graduated he'd loved to go out with Baekhyun and let loose for a night. Get drunk, dance, hook up with random stranger and for one night, not think about his all-consuming crush on his best friend. As soon as Sehun had come to their Uni though he had stopped, the risk of him noticing anything had been too high.

Chanyeol closes his eyes, trying to suppress the memories. It had been an unhealthy coping mechanism, even worse than his and Jongin's drinking escapades and he regretted every second of it. But most importantly: Sehun could never know about this.

"We should do something", Sehun says after a while. He sounds as sleepy as Chanyeol feels. "All together."

"Do what?", Jongdae asks in return.

"Like right now?" Baekhyun looks up from his phone, one eyebrow raised. "Because I don't know about you, but I feel like dying and I think the others aren't even awake yet."

Chanyeol can practically feel Sehun rolling his eyes. "No hyung, obviously not now. We should just do something fun before the holidays are over. Like visit a theme park, throw a party, I don't know. Something exciting."

"I can't believe you already want to party again. I feel like I'm still drunk from yesterday."

"It was just a suggestion", Sehun whines. He lifts his head from Chanyeol's stomach and wiggles over the floor to cuddle up at Chanyeol, wrapping his arm around the elder's torso and burying his face in Chanyeol's chest like the bratty child he is.

Chanyeol's breathing stops for a second, he freezes. Getting any kind of physical affection from Sehun was rare. It only ever happened when he was drunk, recovering from being drunk or really tired. Right now, he was two of these things and as always Chanyeol was the only person he wanted to touch.

The good thing about this was that Sehun was very rarely sleepy and only got drunk about twice a year. It made things easier for Chanyeol, he liked it too much when Sehun became like this. He enjoyed the warmth and the closeness. If he closed his eyes, he could pretend that it was real, for just one second. He knew that it was dangerous to let himself go like this, but sometimes the thought of it was all Chanyeol had to keep him from closing himself away in his room and cry the whole night.

He takes a deep breath, shaking his guilty thoughts off as he raises his arm to put it over Sehun's shoulder. He's glad that Jongin isn't there with them. He could not handle his disappointed look right now.

~•☆•~

The following week the heat isn´t as bad anymore so their friend group is finally able to go and do something else than hanging around in Chanyeol´s pool or Jongdae´s basement.

Much to Sehun's satisfaction.

On Sunday, Donghae makes Sehun close up the shop and in return lets them stay there for long after closing time. As they talk about what to do, one of them comes up with the idea to take the three-hour road trip to where Minho and Taemin´s parents own a cabin at a lake resort. It's not as hot there as in town and since the school holidays have been over for a week the surrounding cabins will be almost all empty, giving them some privacy. They all agree that the idea is perfect.

They plan to go there on Thursday, spend the whole weekend and then return on Monday afternoon.

It is the perfect time since Donghae has planned to close the shop the whole week and take a little vacation himself. With that he's taking their main hang out spot away from them, practically forcing them to go out and do something. It also means that Sehun can finally stop complaining about being bored. The part of it which Chanyeol is the most thankful for.

In the end they stay till midnight, planning what they need to take with them, voicing ideas on what to do once they're there and who's cars to take. Chanyeol is sure that the discussion could've gone on for much longer but Junmyeon announces that he has to leave now if he wants to get enough sleep before going to work the next day. Minho joins him and they take Minseok, Jongdae and Taemin with them. Soon Jongin and Baekhyun leave too. Chanyeol stays behind, helping Sehun clean up before leaving together.

When they walk home later that night, a cool, calming wind blows through the streets. It feels nice after the long, hot weeks and they decided to take the long way home, enjoying the nightly walk along the river. Although it's almost midnight both of them don't feel like going to sleep just yet.

They don't talk while walking along the river, a comfortable silence between them. Sehun watches the way the stars reflect on the darkness of the water and Chanyeol watches Sehun. He's becoming more closed off since he admitted to having a crush. It's like he's scared of slipping up and saying too much. The last time he'd had a proper talk with him was when they were looking for Taemin's birthday present and that had mostly been Chanyeol embarrassing himself.

Apart from that it's barely noticeable to anyone else but Chanyeol knows him in and out, he notices even the smallest shift in Sehun's behaviour. He now sometimes stares into the distance, deep in thought, other times he just looks incredibly sad for no apparent reason. But the most obvious change is that he has become even more reserved with his feelings and affections. The only time he's shown anything of the like was at Taemin's birthday when he was completely shitfaced and had cuddled up to Chanyeol. But that too had been over after about five minutes.

He had also talked less in general. Not only with Chanyeol. Sure, he had complained about them doing nothing and being bored but he didn't voice his own thoughts out loud anymore. Chanyeol didn't really understand why. All of their friends respected Sehun's decision to not tell them who his crush was. And even though Chanyeol and Jongin secretly still kind of tried to find out who it was, they'd never voice any of their suspicions out loud. Neither to Sehun nor anyone else.

As if reading Chanyeol's thoughts Sehun suddenly speaks up.

"Do you think I'm weird for having a crush?"

"What?" Chanyeol doesn't understand what he means.

"You think it's weird right?"

"It's not weird…it's new. I had to get used to it at first. Everyone has crushes. That’s normal", Chanyeol answers. He feels as if they have had this talk before.

Sehun tilts his head, looking at him from the side. "And now you are used to it?"

Chanyeol opens his mouth. He wants to say yes and if only to calm Sehun down. But he finds that he can't lie, he can't pretend like he's okay with Sehun having a crush on someone else. Sure, after four weeks the pain is slowly becoming duller, it's more of a weight pressing down on him now instead of daggers ripping through his heart. So, in a way he could say that he was used to the pain by now. But the sole fact that Sehun had a crush?

"No...not yet. Not completely"

"Oh." It's not the answer Sehun had expected from his best friend but it's the truth.

"I'm sorry."

Sehun shakes his head. He has stopped walking and was now just staring out onto the river. Chanyeol takes a step back to stand beside him. Eventually Sehun looks back at him.

"Why? I mean yeah it's new that I show interest in someone but…" He sighs. "It took you like a day to be okay with Baekhyun's ‘feelings’."

He's referring to the time Baekhyun had come over to their apartment, a crying mess stuttering about how he was falling in love with Yixing. In hindsight it really wasn't that different. Baekhyun didn't do feelings, he just did sex. And Sehun didn't do anything at all.

"Well…" Chanyeol honestly didn't know what to say. The obvious answer is that he doesn't have a crush on Baekhyun, but he can't say that.

"It's just that all those time… it was always just you and me. We were each other's most important person and I didn't think that'd would ever change. I know this sounds egoistic, but I don't want you to leave me for some guy who doesn't even know you half as well as I do."

He feels out of breath after talking. It's almost the truth. Chanyeol had tried to date during middle and high school, back when his crush on Sehun wasn’t really known to him. Back then they have had a similar conversation. Only that at that time, Sehun had been the one to be scared of losing him to someone else.

Sehun just stares at him without saying anything. For a moment Chanyeol regrets that he admitted those insecurities out loud. What if it would make Sehun angry? But then he decides that it needed to be said. It's as close as he'll ever get to voicing his feelings out loud.

The look on Sehun's face isn't one Chanyeol has seen before. It's neither anger nor confusion. In a way it looks like understanding but then again not. More like a nostalgic look with a pinch of sadness. No matter what it is, it reflects pretty well how Chanyeol himself is feeling.

"That won't happen", Sehun mumbles. "I promise. No one will ever be more important to me than you." He tries a small smile. "Also, couldn't I say the same thing? Isn't that how it's supposed to be? You find someone you love and marry them, but your best friend is still your best friend throughout it all… So what if you find a nice boy or girl you fall in love with?"

That isn't gonna happen anytime soon, Chanyeol wants to say but doesn't. He thinks back to his first semester at Uni and his countless tries of getting over Sehun. Most of them had just been quick fucks, a companion for one night, maybe two or three if they turned out to be especially skilled in bed, but nothing more. There was only one. His name was Kyungsoo and Chanyeol thought that if he'd only tried hard enough he could do it. He could get over Sehun and fall in love with Kyungsoo, get a second chance at a happy life. But both of them soon realised that this wasn't gonna happen and they broke it off. So no, after five years Chanyeol could safely say that for him there was no getting over Sehun ever.

"Yeah…I…", he's at a loss for words but he doesn't even need to answer anything because suddenly Sehun has his arms around him, hugging him tightly.

"Don't worry so much hyung."

Chanyeol shakes his head, enjoying the rare moment of affection from his best friend, before releasing Sehun again.

"Also, who knows. Maybe it's just going away if nothing happens for long enough." Sehun shrugs but he doesn't really sound convinced. With that he drops the topic and they walk the rest of the way in silence.

When they eventually enter Sehun's street he stops.

"Hyung?"

Chanyeol nods, signalling that he heard him.

"Would you… mind sleeping over? I don't really want to be alone."

Chanyeol wonders where that came from but he agrees nevertheless. Apparently, their conversation had shaken the younger more then he thought. His parents won't miss him, they're used to him randomly sleeping over at one of his friend's houses.

Chanyeol had shared a bed with Sehun ever since they were kids. After he had realised his feelings Chanyeol had stopped doing it, saying that they were adults now and that it just wasn't appropriate anymore. He'll never forget Sehun's hurt face when he said that. In reality he just didn't trust himself.

As time went by, they slowly came back to sharing a bed. Chanyeol got over his stupid teenager hormones and when they started living together, he sometimes climbed into Sehun's bed for comfort after a particularly rough day.

Tonight is no different. Without any words they get under the covers, Sehun in boxers and an old oversized t-shirt, Chanyeol in pyjama pants and no top. They lie there in the darkness and one look at Sehun's alarm clock tells Chanyeol that it's already 2am.

"I don't think it's gonna go away", Sehun says after a while, breaking the silence.

"Why would you want it to go away?" Of course, Chanyeol wants it to go away too but Sehun doesn't need to know that.

"It will change everything… it has already started changing things. And I don't want that, I like how things are."

Chanyeol wants to agree. But he can't, it would, again, be a lie. He will never be happy with how things are. Not as long as he's helplessly in love with Sehun without having his feelings be reciprocated.

So instead he says: "Sometimes change can be good."

"I don't know…"

"Sleep now, at night everything seems worse than it actually is."

Sehun lets out a defeated sigh. "I guess you're right."

It's the last thing he says before his slowed down breathing tells Chanyeol that he's fallen asleep.

They are woken up early by someone ringing at the door.

Chanyeol groans. He hates the obnoxiously loud and shrill sound of the Oh's doorbell. Especially when it's only 8am and he hasn't had much sleep the night before.

"Sehunnie", he whines, nudging the younger with his foot. All he gets in return is an annoyed moan as Sehun turns away from him, burying his face in his pillow.

"Open the door", he tries again, throwing a pillow at Sehun when the bell rings a second time. A naked foot kicking him in the thigh is the only answer he gets. He throws his covers back, squeezing his eyes together against the bright morning sun. It's not really the angry glare he intended but it has to do.

"This is your fucking house."

"Aaarrgghh."

Sehun sits up, looking adorably sleepy. "Muuuuum!", he shouts, unavailingly waiting for an answer.

"She's at work, you dumbass", Chanyeol groans, pressing a pillow over his head.

Sehun lets out some incomprehensible curses as he tries to disentangle himself from the blankets.

"Who even is this? It's so fucking early."

Chanyeol ignores him and wants to turn around to go back to sleep but before he can get comfortable, he's thrown out of bed and disgracefully lands on the hardwood floor.

"Oww hey!"

"Forget it, if I have to get up you have to as well."

Sehun steps next to Chanyeol on the floor, nudging his side. His oversized shirt has slipped down exposing his collarbones and soft pale skin. His dark brown hair is a mess and his eyes are swollen from sleep. He looks absolutely breath-taking and Chanyeol has to look away.

"Come on you can make coffee while I try to get rid of whoever thinks they have the right to wake me up a 8am during semester break."

He takes one large step over Chanyeol and slips out of the room. The older lets out a sigh, there's no use arguing with him. He searches through the room until he finds his shirt thrown over a chair.

He throws it over while exiting the room. In the distance he hears Sehun talking to someone. Chanyeol hopes he'll be able to get rid of them quickly. He needs his coffee as soon as possible, not really able to function before that. Just as he thinks that, he notices that his shirt is inside out.

Putting it back on while he's walking down the stairs might not have been his best idea. Well then their visitor will get a glimpse of Chanyeol's abs, who cares. It's not like he can't show them. He's more concerned about not falling down the stairs.

He's just about to pull it down over his head when another voice interrupts Sehun's.

"Oh, hi Chanyeol."

At first he can't really place the voice, it's familiar but not as familiar as their friends' are. He frees his head from the shirt and his hair is probably a complete mess. Sleepily squinting against the light he makes out a tall figure next to Sehun. The more he stares the more features he can make out until a whole face becomes visible.

Chanyeol blinks.

This can't be.

"Johnny?"

Chanyeol almost trips down the stairs for real.

Ten minutes later he finds himself sitting across from Johnny at the kitchen table while Sehun is making coffee for them.

"So…", he starts. "What are you doing here?"

Johnny gives him a smile and gosh Chanyeol hates him for being so charming and good looking. It makes it really hard to hate him. But then again, it's only 8.30 am and Johnny looks handsome and perfect even after a three hour train ride while Chanyeol looks like a mess and jealousy has always been a bitch.

"Oh, I just returned from the US three days ago and everyone else was still at home which was kinda lonely. And Sehun said if I ever couldn't go home over the holidays or something, I could come visit him, so I thought why not? And I came here as a surprise."

Sehun had said that huh? He had never mentioned inviting Johnny to their hometown to Chanyeol. It felt weird. Chanyeol had been relieved to pack Sehun in his car and come back home, home into a Johnny free world where he had his best friend all to himself. Apparently, that had only been an illusion.

"And what are you doing here?" Chanyeol blinks. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Johnny had absolutely no place to ask Chanyeol something like that. Chanyeol had practically spend half of his youth and childhood in this house. He could go in and out there without telling anyone if he wanted to. Sometimes just to have a glass of wine with Sehun's mum or to borrow one of their DVDs. Johnny was the last person Chanyeol had to justify himself to. Also, what the hell did he think Chanyeol was doing at Sehun's house at fucking 8am after coming down the stairs half-naked? …wait. That sounded wrong. Chanyeol blushes, answering without meeting Johnny's eyes.

"I slept here." He tries to sound as confident as he can, leaning back in his chair to show how comfortable he felt in Sehun's home. It's kinda pitiful how he's trying to establish his dominance but Chanyeol can't help it. This is his. This house, this town, this Sehun. All his. It was bad enough that Johnny was already dominating their Uni life.

"Oh." Johnny shoots a quick look at Sehun who's still making coffee, not paying attention to their conversation, and then back at Chanyeol.

"You live close to here?"

Chanyeol nods. He doesn't get to say anything else because Sehun places their coffee mugs on the table in front of them.

"This is great. I'm so happy you're here", he says, sitting down next to Johnny, smiling at him. "Now I can introduce you to my family and you can meet the other guys and…"

Chanyeol zones out after that, tuning Sehun's cheerful chatter off completely. It hurts and annoys him too much. Looking at them hurts even more, so he just focuses on his coffee, staring into the dark brown liquid and wonders how he had ended up in this kind of situation. This was not at all how he'd imagined this day to turn out.

Chanyeol leaves after finishing his coffee, making up some kind of excuse about having to help his mother with garden work. He walks across the street, fumbling with his phone. Only now does he realise that he has left his jeans and jacket and is still wearing Sehun's pyjama pants. With trembling fingers, he dials Jongin's number. After the third ringing the other picks up.

"You'll never guess who just came to visit Sehun."

~•☆•~

On Thursday, around 9am Chanyeol and Jongin are walking along the empty street towards Minho’s and Taemin's house. They are both pulling their suitcases behind them and each one carries one handle of a giant duffle bag filled with bottles of alcohol. The rest of their belongings are stuffed into the big camping backpack Chanyeol has got from his father.

"I still can't believe that we're actually taking this Johnny guy with us."

"Me neither", Chanyeol mumbles. They are both groaning from the weight and sweating from the humid heat.

"I'm gonna punch the guy", Jongin decides with a determined look on his face.

Chanyeol shakes his head. "Please don't…It's not his fault that Sehun feels this way and I feel that… other way."

Jongin snorts. "Still. It's already bad enough that he showed up at Sehun's home unannounced. He could have at least had the decency to deny Sehun's offer to accompany them on our trip. It's not like anyone wants him there."

In reality Sehun had texted their group chat two days ago, asking if it was okay to bring a friend from Uni along who was paying him a surprise visit. No one has had any objections, on the contrary they were happy to meet one of their university friends. The last three days neither Chanyeol nor anyone else had seen Sehun and Johnny. The two were apparently busy doing God knows what and didn't have any time for someone else. Though when Chanyeol met Donghae while he was grocery shopping with Jongin the day prior, the older had told them that Sehun has brought Johnny over to his brother's house on Tuesday afternoon. Johnny must have been his usual charming self, judging from the way Donghae spoke about their visitor, totally enamoured by the boy. The only life sign the rest of their group has got from Sehun was this one group chat message. Not that it meant much to anyone besides Chanyeol, they all had their boyfriends to spend time with. Well… that wasn't totally right. Jongin had cared, raging about Sehun's audacity to invite Johnny and feeling sad with him. Anyway, while Sehun had spent his time with Johnny, Chanyeol had been busy third-wheeling his friends. Monday evening he'd went to watch a movie with Minho and Junmyeon, Tuesday he'd helped Minseok and Jongdae redo their garden before he'd consoled Baekhyun through his third (maybe fourth) realisation that he might feel more for Yixing than just sexual feelings but didn't know if the other felt the same way. Yesterday then was spend with shopping for their trip which mainly consisted of Taemin and Jongin teasing each other and being disgustingly cute while Chanyeol had tried his best not to be associated with them.

So, to say that Chanyeol's week had been only semi-satisfying would have been an understatement.

"Less complaining, more carrying", Chanyeol says, putting a stop to Jongin's endless rant about Johnny. Minho and Taemin's family lived on top of a hill, where the wealthier families resided, and they needed to climb it before reaching the house. Usually not a problem but when you were carrying about forty pounds of stuff, things weren't like usual. So Chanyeol really needed Jongin to put his strength into carrying his bag instead of ranting.

They made it to the house fifteen minutes later after having taken a small break due to Jongin complaining that his shoulder was hurting. Yet they still manage to arrive eight minutes early to when they're scheduled to meet at 9.30. When they walk up the driveway to the Choi's giant fancy house, Minho is already loading bags in the back of his car while Junmyeon is standing next to it talking to Taemin and Jongdae. Minseok must be on his way to get his own car, Chanyeol guesses since he can't spot the elder's Tucson anywhere.

Taemin walks towards them, hugging and kissing his boyfriend as if they haven't seen each other in years instead of barley twelve hours. Chanyeol rolls his eyes and goes to greet the other before helping Minho pack the car.

They had agreed to take two cars. Minho will take his Dad's car since it's bigger than his truck and Minseok his own, deeming both cars to be big enough to carry nine people as well as all their stuff. Minho and Junmyeon would take Jongin and Taemin with them as well as most of their stuff while Minseok would drive the three remaining boys and his boyfriend. Or at least that was how they had agreed to do this when they started planning on Sunday.

Chanyeol and Minho have managed to fit almost everything into the cars, Minseok having arrived in the meantime, when Baekhyun, Sehun and Johnny arrive. Chanyeol feels a rush of joy at seeing Sehun, having missed his best friend a lot throughout the last few days and he was happy to see him again. Though his happiness was only short lived once he realised that Sehun was busy laughing with Johnny and didn't even realise Chanyeol standing there.

Baekhyun does though and within seconds he's next to Chanyeol, hugging him tightly and dragging him towards Jongin, away from Sehun who's busy introducing Johnny to Jongdae and Minseok.

"Duuude, how is Sehun's bff so…"

"Charming, handsome, talented? Perfect?"

"Yes", Baekhyun sighs. "How have we never met him?"

He shrugs. "They haven't been friends for that long…" Though Chanyeol wasn’t sure if a year still counted as ‘not that long’.

Johnny wasn't one to go partying a lot and neither was Sehun. Sadly, Chanyeol was still forced into going out with Baekhyun on those weekends when his boy toys were busy. When Johnny asked them to come with him to the river to take pictures Chanyeol called Baekhyun to join them he said no. It was too boring for him and Chanyeol had to play the awkward third wheel. But the main reason why Baekhyun hasn't met Johnny yet is Yixing. Around the same time Sehun and Johnny had started becoming friends, Baekhyun had developed an interest in one of the Chinese exchange students one semester above them. Since then, he spent almost every free minute chasing after him and trying to get into the elder's pants. And when he was finally successful, he spent all his time in bed with Yixing. Chanyeol didn't understand what they were to each other and when he asked Baekhyun some months ago he said that it wasn't a relationship. It wasn't a relationship, but it was something. Fast forward to Baekhyun’s several breakdowns over the nature of his feelings. But that was that.

Baekhyun sighs again, this time less dreamy and more melancholic. Like he's regretting not spending his last year chasing after Johnny instead of Yixing.

Jongin is thankfully keeping himself together, glaring angrily at Johnny. He punches Baekhyun against the shoulder who whines and pouts up at them.

"What? I thought you were in love with Yixing now."

Baekhyun mumbles something incomprehensible before dropping Chanyeol's arm he's been gripping, to pinch Jongin in the stomach. It's a sensitive topic, Baekhyun's feelings that have been slowly developing into more than sexual attraction.

"Hey!", the other yells back and soon they are engaged in some kind of tickle fight. Chanyeol rolls his eyes. Literal children.

They are both ignoring him and he guesses that this is probably his cue to stop being a coward and go greet Sehun and Johnny. Taemin, who's been quietly standing next to them, watching the whole interaction, joins him and they walk away, leaving the other two to their childish fighting.

Sehun and Johnny have by now moved on from Minseok and Jongdae to Minho and Junmyeon. Minho is probably telling one of his weird Dad stories again because Johnny is laughing his ass off while Sehun and Junmyeon are just looking very done with them. Chanyeol feels like vomiting. They look like those perfect couples who saw in commercials, standing there in front of the Choi's high-end car, all four of them looking almost too handsome to be real.

Only that Sehun and Johnny aren't a couple. Yet. Chanyeol's stomach feels ill again and he really hopes this will be over soon. He was looking forward to spending a fun weekend with his friends, not to five days of being hard broken and feeling sick.

Minho is the first to notice Chanyeol and Taemin coming near them. He waves at them to join their small circle, obviously oblivious about Chanyeol's feelings. At his gesture the other three turn to see who caught Minho's attention. When Sehun sees Chanyeol his face lights up and he grins at him. Chanyeol smiles back, pretending like he was the only one in front of him.

Only now Chanyeol realises just how much he had missed him the last three days. Back in school it wasn't unusual for them to spend several days not seeing each other when their breaks didn't match, or they had especially much homework to do. But that has been a long time ago, when they were kids and Chanyeol hadn't known that he needed Sehun around the same way he needed air to breathe. Chanyeol's first year at Uni, when Sehun stayed back to finish school had been the worst. Chanyeol was forced to stay away from Sehun for months and we all know how that had turned. Now that they lived together Chanyeol was maybe a bit spoiled, having Sehun around almost all the time.

He wants nothing more than to pull him into a hug but decides not to do so since it might make Sehun feel uncomfortable. The more surprised he is when Sehun takes a step towards them, giving Chanyeol a short hug on his own accord.

"Hi", he says still grinning after he steps back onto his spot next to Johnny.

Chanyeol is perplex, he doesn't know how to react. This wasn't what he was expecting. The more thankful he is for Johnny also pulling him into a quick hug to greet him. It's short and on Chanyeol's part a bit awkward but it monetarily helps him not to feel weird about Sehun. They never hug. It just wasn’t their thing. The only times they ever hugged was when they were sad or tired, being pulled down by the weight of school and Uni work or just life in general. Johnny though…

Had he mentioned that Johnny is a hugger? Because he is and it's terribly annoying. Especially since Sehun doesn't have a problem with Johnny hugging him.

He's still staring at Sehun like he's some kind of Alien when Taemin pushes past him, extending one hand towards Johnny to introduce himself.

"Hi, I'm Taemin. Minho's brother. You must be Johnny."

Taemin has his usual flirty grin on. It doesn't mean anything, he's always smiling like that. Several people have hit on him thinking he was flirting when he in reality was just being friendly. Though this time there's not only friendliness in his eyes, he's also looking curious and a little bit intrigued.

Chanyeol can't be mad at him. Johnny just has this effect on people. You couldn't help but develop a small crush on him no matter how dedicated you were to your boyfriend. Even Chanyeol wasn't immune to his charms sometimes.

"Yes, hi. Sehun and Chanyeol talk a lot about you guys it's nice to finally have faces to connect to the names", Johnny says with his most radiant smile. Chanyeol notices Taemin blushing as Johnny extends one hand towards him. He needs some time until he understands that he needs to shake it with his own. Chanyeol gives him a small push and he eventually connects their hands.

Taemin stares down at their hands, amazed how his small hand just vanishes within Johnny's before reluctantly letting go. He's still grinning up at Johnny when a voice behind the interrupts his small idolizing moment.

"Taemin!" The six of them turn around to see Jongin running towards them. He's obviously not amused about his boyfriend being flirty with other guys.

Taemin, naive as always, suspects nothing and just smiles fondly at his boyfriend.

"What's wrong babe?"

Jongin comes up to them, wrapping one arm possessively around Taemin's waste.

"Nothing I just…", he looks up, pretending like he was just now realising Sehun's and Johnny's presence.

"Sehun, hey!", he lets his eyes wander, giving Johnny nothing more than a quick once over. "Hi."

Taemin hits his shoulder, before looking at Johnny, smiling apologetically. "I'm sorry. This is my boyfriend Jongin, excuse him. He's an idiot sometimes."

Johnny's face lights up.

"Oh! You're Jongin! It's so nice to finally meet you."

Jongin nods slowly before looking at Chanyeol. The two stare at each other for a second before Chanyeol just shrugs.

"Yeah. Hi", Jongin says, still trying to sound as disinterested and bored as possible though slightly nicer to not anger Taemin further. Chanyeol rolls his eyes. He gives him about ten minutes before he too, will crumble under Johnny's smile.

For a moment no one says something. Minho is the first one to break the awkward silence.

"Okay! Well, I think we're complete now. Which means we should get going before the streets get too busy." The others nod affirmatively. "Okay so Taemin and Jongin you two are coming with me and Junnie and the rest is with…" He looks around their small circle and suddenly seems to notice what had already been on Chanyeol's mind the entire way to the Choi's house long.

With the addition of Johnny, they are ten people instead of the nine they had planned for.

"Oh."

"What's wrong?", Sehun asks, looking in between Minho and Chanyeol.

"We only have 9 seats but we're ten people now."

"Oh. I'm so sorry. I…", Johnny starts and Chanyeol almost thinks (hopes) he's about to say that he'll stay behind but he never gets the chance to finish his sentence because Junmyeon vehemently shakes his head.

"No, don't be. We just need to adjust a bit. Our cars are big, I'm sure we will all fit. One way or another." Sometimes Chanyeol hates how caring and considerate Junmyeon is.

"But you guys are only four people, can't one person from our car go with you?", Baekhyun addresses Minho. The older shakes his head.

"One of our seats is already occupied by all kinds of luggage."

For a moment no one has a better idea. The Taemin speaks up.

"What if I just sit on Jongin's lap? Then someone from Minseok's car can have my place?"

Minho stares back at him with raised eyebrows. "Taeminnie, that isn't exactly … legal?"

Taemin only shrugs. "After getting out if town, we’re only driving on the highway for like fifteen minutes and after that it's only empty roads through the woods. There has been no police or anything, in all of the twenty years we're going there now, we've never seen anyone control those streets. It will be fine. Besides", he adds, leaning back against Jongin and giving them a cocky grin. "It's not like one of you has a better idea."

No one can argue with that and after some persuasion from Junmyeon and his brother Minho agrees to the idea.

"Now we only need to decide who's gonna switch cars."

"I think it would be best if Johnny just stays with Sehun", Minseok says. "He doesn't really know anyone else and we're gonna be nice to him until he knows us better." The evil grin he shoots Johnny is good natured but also a warning.

He knows me too, Chanyeol wants to say but doesn't. Because he really doesn't want to spend an almost three-hour car ride with entertaining Johnny. If he thinks more about it, he realises he also, absolutely doesn't want to spend the next three hours feeling like a third wheel around Johnny and Sehun. That's a kind of pain he doesn't need right now.

"I'm switching", he therefore finds himself saying. Everyone stares at him. It's the first time Chanyeol decides for him and Sehun to not do something together. No one would have even thought about splitting the two of them up. Sehun, besides him, just looks confused. Chanyeol shrugs.

"Someone has to go right?"

Junmyeon nods. "But are you sure that it's okay for you?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be."

If Chanyeol looks at Sehun long enough, he can almost imagine that he looks hurt. Almost. There's no reason for him to be. I mean isn't it perfect like this? Now Sehun gets to spend three hours with the guy he has a crush on without Chanyeol being around to make things awkward.

He's actual actually really proud of himself. Look at him, being okay with Sehun having a crush and giving space to work on it without being an imposing best friend.

"Okay, then if that's settled, let's get into the cars and go!", Jongin says, interrupting the awkward silence. The others agree and soon they are all settling into their seats. Baekhyun is thrilled to be sharing a car with Johnny, Chanyeol not so much about being squished together onto two seats with Jongin and Taemin.

Before Taemin gets into the car with them Jongin leans over towards Chanyeol to whisper.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Being okay with his crush, like he wanted to."

Jongin frowns angrily, shaking his head. "That's not what you're doing. You're pushing him away even though you should be fighting for him."

Chanyeol huffs out a dry laugh. "Why should I fight for something I can never win?"

Jongin never gets to answer because the next second Taemin is climbing into the back of the car, making himself comfortable on Jongin's lap. His friend sends him one last disappointed glare but Chanyeol decides to just look away and not answer anything. With that their conversation is over.

They are only driving for about half an hour but Chanyeol has already gotten fifteen texts from Baekhyun gushing about Johnny. Chanyeol only sends an eyeroll emoji back before pulling up Yixing's contact.

He only sends him the address of the lake resort and a few lines of text.

'If you love Baekhyun the same way he loves you, and I'm sure you do, then you need to pack some clothes for camping and swim stuff and come here asap'

It's worse enough that Chanyeol himself will never have a happy love life because of Johnny, he wants to at least save Yixing the pain of experiencing the same.

Besides him Taemin lets out a screech and accidentally elbows Chanyeol in the ribcage. He sighs, rubbing his head and trying to scoot as far away from the squirming couple as he can, cuddling up to the cooling box and several six-packs of beer next to him.

On the front seat Junmyeon and Minho are talking to each other with hushed voices, content smiles on their lips. As always, they are busy being the cutest, most perfect couple ever. Chanyeol fumbles with his back pocket pulling his earphones out and putting his favourite playlist on while getting ready for what was about to become the worst two and a half hours of his life.

~•☆•~

When they arrive at the cabin there's a car parked in front of it. It's an expensive red sports car which Chanyeol recognises as that of Yixing's rich ass roommate. He guesses that Yixing has asked him to borrow it since he himself doesn't have his own car. It figures that he would arrive before them, their university is only one and a half hours from here, closer than home.

"Wow", Taemin marvels upon seeing the car. It's the last thing he has expected.

Oh. Chanyeol had forgotten the minimal detail of telling the others about texting Yixing to join them. Before he can do so the door of the car opens and Yixing steps out into the bright sunlight. He's wearing black skinny jeans, white sneakers and a light blue short sleeved shirt with the top three buttons undone. As he pushes his sunglasses back into his hair. Chanyeol has to admit that he rather looks like a rich supermodel than the broke college student he actually is.

“Wooow”, Taemin repeats, even more impressed now.

"Who…?", Minho starts, staring in shock.

"That's Yixing", Jongin answers. Baekhyun had shown him several pictures so there was no mistaking it.

"Baekhyun's… boyfriend or something", Chanyeol adds.

"How… I mean what is he doing here?", Minho asks as they watch the car next to them come to a hold and the backseat door being ripped open. Baekhyun's loud squeal is even heard through the closed windows of the car. He runs up to Yixing to jump into his arms. The smiles in both their faces are adorable and Chanyeol really hopes that they can sort out their feelings soon.

"I invited him", he answers.

Minho turns around in his seat to properly look at Chanyeol. "Why? I mean not that I have a problem with it, we have more than enough space for ten more people in this house, but still, why would you ask him to come and not Baekhyun himself?"

"Well you see, things between them aren't exactly…clear. But Baekhyun is clearly in love with Yixing and vice versa. But you all know Baekhyun, he tries to pretend like he doesn't have any feelings and if we leave him here alone, he'll go after Johnny and maybe do something he'll regret later." Chanyeol lets out a deep sigh. "And well, to prevent this I texted him and asked him to spend the weekend with us. I just want the two of them to be happy and Baekhyun to treat love like something good instead of just seeing it as a vulnerability."

"Aww", Taemin coos, cuddling up to Chanyeol. "That's so cute of you. Chanyeollie is playing cupid."

Chanyeol rolls his eyes, wiggling out of Taemin's grip. "I'm just saving myself the trouble of dealing with a heartbroken Baekhyun."

"Whatever you say", Junmyeon comments with a smile obvious in his voice. "For now, let's go out and greet him before carrying our stuff inside."

He pushes the door open and is the first one out. The others follow quickly. Baekhyun is only to keen on introducing Yixing to all of them, though Chanyeol notices that he makes sure to not label their relationship by doing so. Since they are already friends with Yixing, Sehun and Chanyeol wait with greeting him until all the others are through.

They stay a bit to the side and Sehun uses the opportunity to whisper to Chanyeol.

"What is he doing here?"

"I didn't like the way he was throwing himself at Johnny. The two deserve to sort out their stuff before Baekhyun somehow manages to fuck shit up."

Sehun blinks confused. "Oh, Johnny wouldn't…"

Of course, Sehun doesn't want to think about his crush being persuaded by someone else. But even if Johnny doesn't give into Baekhyun's relentless flirting while they are here, who knows what happens when they're back at Uni? Knowing Baekhyun he'll probably get so far into the whole Johnny thing that he'll sooner or later end things with Yixing.

Chanyeol shakes his head, interrupting him. "It's not about what Johnny would do. I'm worried about Baekhyun drifting into thought's he'll regret later."

"Oh." Sehun seems to have got it now. He gives a short nod before going to greet Yixing. He only manages a quick hello before Jongin calls him away.

"Sehun! Could you help us with these?"

Chanyeol is the last one to pull Yixing in a quick hug. With Sehun jogging over to the cars he's left alone with the 'couple'.

"What are you even doing here?", Baekhyun asks, beaming up at Yixing.

"Chanyeol…" Before the other can say anything Chanyeol interrupts him by throwing an arm around his shoulders. Baekhyun doesn't need to know that Chanyeol is meddling with their love life in order to forget his own non-existent one.

"I wanted to surprise you, so I called Yixing to join us. So that for once you don't have to third wheel."

Baekhyun rolls his eyes but Chanyeol knows that he's thankful. He reaches forward to pull Yixing out of Chanyeol's embrace and into a passionate kiss.

Chanyeol smiles and avoids his eyes to give them a bit of privacy. Instead they land on Sehun and Johnny who are currently helping Minseok and Jongin to get all the bags of alcohol out of the back of Minseok's car. Only then does he realise that calling Yixing here hasn't prevented Baekhyun from being the odd one out. It had just made him pass that title to Chanyeol. Normally Sehun is his other half, even if they aren't together like that, but with Johnny being here now Chanyeol finds himself to be completely alone.

Suddenly feeling tired, he leaves them to themselves and instead goes to join Minho who's busy with their luggage.

"So Baekhyun's happy?"

"Yep."

"And he's staying the whole weekend?"

Chanyeol nods, picking up his bags from the dirty ground.

"Great, the more the merrier! Right?", Minho says with a grin. He throws an arm around Chanyeol's shoulders and drags him towards the house.

"Right…" Chanyeol mumbles but he isn't convinced at all. With texting Yixing he had just made himself to be the only person without anyone on their whole trip. Normally he has Sehun, but not this time. This time Sehun is with Johnny and he's happy and joking around and not being the sad closed off mess from before.

~•☆•~

Chanyeol feels defeated in every way. The following thirty minutes are spend with carrying stuff inside the house and putting it away, then they assign rooms.

That's another thing he didn't think through, the rooming situation. The house has 5 bedrooms in total. Each containing enough space for two people. With the addition of Johnny, they had agreed that either him or Sehun would stay with Baekhyun but now that Yixing is here, that option is gone. The three of them will have to share a room and honestly, Chanyeol kinda wants to go home even thinking about it. Sharing a room with your crush and your crush's crush? That sounded like something out of a bad romantic comedy. Only that this wasn't some romantic comedy, Chanyeol wasn't the cute, quirky protagonist and Sehun wouldn't magically discover that he's actually been in love with him the whole time.

No this was reality and reality was a bitch.

Minho tells them that there are spare mattresses under the beds at least no one has to sleep on the floor. Though this arises a new question: who will share the bed and who will take the single mattress.

"You two can take the bed", Chanyeol says when they enter the room. He almost doesn't get the words out, jealousy wrapping around his neck like a rope. He's trying to be supportive, he really is. He wants to think that he wants Sehun's happiness above anything else, even if that means him being with someone else. In reality though he's too egoistic for that. Deep inside him he wants Sehun to be only his. He doesn't show this side to anyone other than maybe Jongin.

Johnny stares at him weirdly when he says that. Then he shakes his head. "Oh no, you two take the bed. I'm already imposing, I don't want to also steal your place to sleep."

He shares a look with Sehun who's eyes are wide. He seems panicked. Apparently, he would really rather share the bed with Johnny. The other though gives him only an encouraging smile and nods.

"It's okay really. I don't mind sleeping on the mattress."

Sehun and Chanyeol share a look. The older shrugs and eventually Sehun gives a short nod.

"Okay, yeah. If it's really alright with you, Johnny."

He's still smiling but it seems kinda wicked, as if he's having some hidden thoughts behind his action. Chanyeol is confused. Sehun looks at Johnny like he knows exactly what the other is planning and he's kinda mad about it. Trying not to think too much about it and relief the weird tension Chanyeol throws his bag on the bed.

"I'm taking the window side", he announces. Which is super unnecessary. Chanyeol always takes the window side and Sehun knows that very well. Still, someone needed to say something.

This whole exchange has felt incredibly awkward and nothing with Sehun had ever felt awkward. Chanyeol just hopes that it will stop soon because he is absolutely not looking forward to four more days of this.

~•☆•~

"Dude, Baekhyun just asked me if you're the one Sehun has a crush on." Jongin lets himself fall onto the ground next to Chanyeol. His cheeks are red and he definitely had too much to drink. Chanyeol on the other hand is still holding the same cup of vodka red bull he has made for himself almost half an hour ago. It's their second day at the lake and while the first one was for having fun and relaxing today was about partying. Which had pretty much started at three in the afternoon with Minho opening one of the kegs his dad has stored away in the basement (As if they didn't have enough alcohol already). Junmyeon and Taemin had made a sangria like punch which had definitely more rum in it than you could taste through all the fruit and there was enough other alcohol to last them for the whole week.

"What do you mean?" He has sat away from the others almost the whole evening, not listening to any conversations. He was tired of being the third wheel on this entire trip. Yesterday had been manageable. They were all pretty tired and Chanyeol had spent almost all day lying at the lake with Jongin and Minseok, playing card games or just talking. Eventually Minho had joined them while the others were playing in the water. Baekhyun and Yixing had gone on a walk and the teasing when they came back was endless. There wasn't much time for Chanyeol to think about how weird it was that him and Sehun weren't attached to each other the whole day.

The night had been harder, Sehun and Johnny had gone upstairs before Chanyeol who had lost their game to decide who would have to do the dishes. When he walked into the room the lights were out, but his friends were still talking quietly and giggling like teenage girls on a sleep over.

Chanyeol had only muttered a quick good night and pretended to fall asleep while the other two continue to whisper. They talked about Uni and their friends who Chanyeol has never met before. Chanyeol realises that there's a whole part of Sehun's life that Chanyeol has no idea about. He only knows parts of it, a few names, bits and pieces of stories Sehun decided to tell him over dinner.

Chanyeol knew that it was time to let go. Time to let Sehun be his own person. He was an adult now, he had a crush, he could handle himself. Chanyeol needed to let him go.

And that's what he did. He sat away from the others and let him go. Everyone was wrapped up in their own stuff, so no one really noticed. It was okay. Chanyeol understood. Before, he could live with being the eternal third wheel, before, he knew that he was at least Sehun's favourite person but now he didn't even have that anymore. He knew that for now it was his own fault that he was pulling away from his friends because of his broken heart.

The first time today one of his friends had noticed that he was sitting to the side was this now, drunk Jongin talking nonsense.

"He got me a beer and when he came back outside he leaned over my shoulder and whispered: I think the person Sehun has a crush on is you… well not you as in me you but you as in you you he obviously said your name I'm just…" Jongin stops himself from rambling with a hick up. "Sorry."

Chanyeol shakes his head. "How does he even get that idea?"

"I don't know."

"Like has he not seen the way Sehun constantly drapes himself over Johnny and how they have been joined by the hip ever since we arrived? I think him and I haven't spoken more the three words since we came here."

Jongin shrugs. "Maybe he watched you before…him I mean…over the last few weeks, before Johnny. Over the semester."

He's mumbling and his words aren't even real sentences anymore but Chanyeol understands him anyways.

"I don't think so. He wouldn't have told me that he's scared of ruining our friendship with his crush if it were me… he wouldn't be scared to admit it. Besides, I would knew, if he had feelings for me."

Jongin raises an eyebrow. He might be drunk as shit, but he could still see through Chanyeol's bullshit.

"Yeah? The same way he knows that you were in love with him for the past five years?"

Chanyeol takes a sip from his drink. "Okay you win. It's still not me."

Jongin leans heavily onto Chanyeol's shoulder, he smells like alcohol and his breath is warm against Chanyeol's cheek. He'd find it disgusting but after being drinking buddies with the younger for years, he's used to it.

"Baekhyun has a sense for this kinda stuff though, you know?", he drawls and Chanyeol nods. He knows. Baekhyun could smell that kind of stuff ten miles against the wind. He'd known that Jongdae was developing feelings for Minseok before he had even known himself. He was even better at this than Junmyeon. At Uni they even made a game out of it. At parties, fairs or games, Baekhyun would guess who'd end up together before the next big events simply by watching them and so far, he'd been correct 95% of the time. Sehun has made a shit ton of money taking bets on him being correct.

"Well, he's wrong this time", Chanyeol says and it's final. He doesn't want to have this conversation any longer. Not when all that's in his head is Sehun sitting really close to Johnny and them whispering about stuff Chanyeol will never know.

"If you say so…" Jongin lets out a sigh. "Will you at least come back to the rest with me. I know you feel real cool and mysterious brooding alone like this but it's actually really sad and we miss you."

Chanyeol thinks about it for a second and then nods. Even though he really doesn't want to. He understands though that he's behaving like an idiot. He had promised Sehun to not let his crush come in between them, to not make it weird. And yet that's all he's been doing since they came here. He really needs to get a hold of himself.

He takes the hand Jongin's offering him and gets up. 

When they return to the others Sehun and Johnny are, to his big surprise, not together. Instead Johnny's playing a drinking game with Minseok, Jongdae and Minho. They are laughing and joking around like they've known each other for years instead of just two days. Apparently, Johnny had already pulled them in with his charms.

~•☆•~

The next day it's too windy to go swimming and almost all of them are so hungover that there's no use in doing anything anyway. Minseok puts on a movie and slumps down on the couch together with Jongdae and Johnny who they have apparently adopted as their child while being drunk the prior night. At least that's what Sehun tells Chanyeol over breakfast. The two of them are the only ones who aren't feeling like death. Chanyeol because he barely drank anything out of sadness and Sehun because he had been too busy stopping Taemin and Baekhyun from burning down the house, trying to make sausages, so, that he had to stop drinking around 8. This gave him enough time to sober up and drink enough water before going to bed.

They had offered to step in for Minho and Jongin and prepare breakfast since the two of them had barely managed to crawl out of bed around 12.

"I can't believe that it took them only two days to get rid of half the alcohol we brought", Sehun says, shaking his head while he puts the clean plates back into the cupboard.

"I'm sure Baekhyun drank about eighty percent of it", Chanyeol remarks with a grin as he hands him the next dry plate. Sehun lets out an amused laugh.

"That sounds about right." Their small friend is still out of it and hasn't joined them for breakfast. Yixing has told them that he had spent almost all night over the toilet, puking his guts out. Chanyeol wants to be sorry but he can't, not after Baekhyun had ensured that Chanyeol had been drunk almost every night during his freshmen year.

Their hands brush when Sehun hands him the towel and it sends tiny sparks through his arm. He realises that it's been almost a week since he had last touched Sehun in any way. He had missed it, being close to the other, like a part of himself was missing. He misses the times back in Middle School when it had just been the two of them. No complicated feelings, no dumb crushes, no responsibilities. Just the two of them against the rest of the world.

"Hey", he says, catching Sehun's attention. "Since it doesn't seem like we're doing much today… do you want to go on a walk with me? Catch some fresh air…"

Sehun tilts his head, he seems to notice that Chanyeol has some ulterior motif but doesn't seem to be able to find out what it is. Eventually he smiles and nods.

"Yeah, let's go after we finish here..." He pauses and looks down at the pyjamas they were still wearing. "…and after we put on some real clothes."

Chanyeol agrees with a fond smile.

Twenty minutes and a change of clothes later they leave the house. None of their friends reacts much to them announcing their departure.

"You seem to be in a rather grumpy mood since we've arrived here", Sehun says after they've been silent for most of the walk. They have taken a small path through the woods which is leading them up a hill and around the lake. They've almost reached the highest point and the trees are clearing up, allowing then a beautiful view over the lake with its slowly dissolving waves of morning fog hovering over the surface. It's really pretty and Chanyeol has stopped a minute to take it all in.

He turns around to Sehun who's looking at him instead of the lake, one eyebrow raised.

"I guess I am", Chanyeol answers. He knows that it was useless to try and hide this from Sehun.

"Why?"

He shrugs. "I'm just thinking how everything will change by the end of this summer." It's one way to put it. Even though it's actually only a small part of what he's feeling.

"I think about that too." Sehun wraps one hand around his wrist and drags him further. He doesn't let go of his wrist while they walk. It makes Chanyeol's skin burn. He's not sure if it's a good or a bad burn.

"Jongin will be gone for two months because of his internship. That must be hard for you."

Chanyeol nods. "Yeah and Minho will probably ask Junmyeon to marry him soon and then Minseok will have his doctorate and then him and Jongdae will move away … I don't know … it just feels like everything is ending." You and Johnny will be together and I'll be alone, is what he doesn't add.

Sehun hums. "Yeah I know what you mean. But it's also the start of something new. It's part of growing up, isn't it?"

"You're right, I guess. I thought I was over this when you went to Uni last year but apparently not." Sehun was the youngest, their baby and seeing him advance to be a college student had been hard on all of them. Especially on Chanyeol. Suddenly Sehun wasn't his small baby anymore, wasn't someone he needed to protect and take care of. Suddenly he was an adult and before Chanyeol knew it, he was falling in love and making plans for the future. Without Chanyeol.

As if reading his thoughts, Sehun slides his hand down and grips Chanyeol's tightly.

"You're not gonna loose me."

Chanyeol feels his heart beat into his head as he squeezes Sehun's hand.

"I know", he says, trying not to tear up. He doesn't know but he hopes. He hopes that he will eventually be over his feelings, that things stop being super weird between him and Sehun and that they manage to stay friends through all of this.

Sehun bumps their shoulders against each other. "Just focus on the present, the future will come soon enough."

Chanyeol snorts. "When the hell did you get so wise?" Sehun shrugs, a grin on his face as he turns to hug Chanyeol.

It's better after that, for the rest of the walk.

It's fine. It's like it has been for years before they went to university. On their way back they come across a field of wildflowers, there're many different colours and it looks beautiful. Sehun, being the child he is, runs into it, picking out the ones he liked best. He attempts to make a flower crown out of it, putting it on his head. Chanyeol picks his phone out of his pocket and quickly snaps a few pictures.

Sehun looks up, grinning. "What are you doing?"

"I was taking pictures. You look cute", he answers without thinking. Maybe Sehun is blushing at that, or maybe it's just Chanyeol's imagination. He doesn't want to dwell on it for too long and instead takes another picture. He tries to ignore how looking at them is already enough to make his heartrate spike up and if he sets one of the pictures as his phone’s home screen no one needs to know.

Everything is fine again. Until they come back to the house and Sehun puts his flower crown on Johnny's head who's sleeping on the couch.

~•☆•~

The next evening everyone is in the mood again for drinking. Though this time they try to be more civilised about it. Chanyeol and Minho have set up a campfire and Jongdae and Johnny spent all afternoon preparing stuff they could roast over the fire. Chanyeol tries to live by what Sehun said, focus on the moment instead of worrying about the future. He helps with the preparation and actually sits with the others instead of walking off again. The problem is only that the present moment also consists of Johnny smiling fondly at Sehun as the other stacks way to many vegetables on his stick.

"Careful. If you continue to look as if you want to kill Johnny with your staring, he'll notice."

"What?" Chanyeol's head whips around, towards Junmyeon who has sat down next to him. He doesn't even spare one glance at Chanyeol, busy with the mini sausages on his plate. He had spoken quietly enough so that no one apart from Chanyeol would hear him but the younger still looks around slightly panicked. Only to find Baekhyun and Jongdae who were sitting the closest to them, engaged in a heated discussion about some kind of video game.

"I don't know what you're talking about", he chokes out and the lie is so obvious in his voice that he cringes at his own words.

But Junmyeon isn't one to be irritated by that. "Johnny. You're obviously jealous of how close him and Sehun are."

"I…ahm…"

"I don't know if it's just that you're scared to lose your best friend or if there's more to it and honestly, I don't care. It's your business how to deal with your feelings. I just wanted to warn you. Tone the jealousy down a bit or Sehun might get mad. He trusts you. A lot. And I think he'd be heartbroken to know that you don't trust him the same way."

Chanyeol blinks. "I…I do trust him. That's not…"

Junmyeon nods, interrupting Chanyeol's stuttering. "Oh, so you _are_ in love with him…"

Chanyeol chokes on his own spit. "I…"

"You don't need to say anything", Junmyeon says with a small smile, squeezing Chanyeol's arm reassuringly. "I kinda figured it out already. Some time ago."

Oh. So Chanyeol had been right, Junmyeon had always suspected more than Chanyeol was comfortable with sharing.

"You don't have to say anything, it's okay. Just know that I'm here when you want to actually talk with someone instead of just getting drunk with Jongin." He winks at Chanyeol before reaching forward and raising his voice.

"Honey, could you please put this on the grill for me?" He smiles at Minho who takes his plate and does what Junmyeon asks of him. Chanyeol lets out a sigh. He wants what they have. Uncomplicated, easy. And he wants it with Sehun. Junmyeon doesn't pick up the topic again after this, falling into conversation with Jongdae and Taemin while eating. Chanyeol is thankful for it, it gives him room to be alone with his thoughts.

Junmyeon's words weigh heavy on him. He already knew that he was behaving weirdly, but he hasn't thought that others started to notice too. He picks up his drink, which Jongin has gotten him and which is way more tequila than anything else. He takes a big gulp, trying to push away his fears. His intention to drink less and instead deal with his feelings might need to wait a little bit longer. Through the various voices and sounds around him he can hear Sehun giggling adorably and he takes another gulp of his drink.

By the time he has helped himself to a second drink and two chicken skewers, someone had started a game of never have I ever. It's literally the dumbest game in existence. Especially in their friend group where they know almost everything about each other. Over the years the turned it into more of a strategic game to get certain people incredibly shitfaced. The shots always consisted of a mixture of vodka and lemonade, less alcohol meant more rounds of asking awkward questions and less chances of throwing up.

This time the victim seems to be Jongin. It's also more interesting because Yixing and Johnny are present and they don't really know anything about them yet. Sehun had always been the most innocent out of them and he had hardly had any shots so far. But his tolerance was pretty low so he was already tipsy and leaning against Johnny's shoulder, heavily.

If Chanyeol would've had a few drinks less he would have probably been thinking about how it used to be him who Sehun leaned on when he was drunk or that it made Chanyeol feel like he was protecting Sehun, that he really was someone Sehun could lean on. But he doesn't, instead he just takes another shot.

"Okay…", Sehun mumbles after about ten rounds. He tries his best not to giggle while formulating his question. "Never have I ever had a boyfriend." 

There's loud groaning all around the fireplace. It's a question either Sehun always asks when they play the game, knowing that he’s the only ones who doesn't have to drink. Baekhyun slaps Sehun's arm before downing his drink and getting ready to ask the next question.

He's almost not able to formulate the question properly. So far, their plan to get Jongin drunk wasn't really working, instead Baekhyun has only been able to skip one round so far. Not that he minded very much.

"O…kay." He hiccups. "Never ever have I been in love right now."

He stares at Chanyeol as he speaks and while the younger knows where this is coming from and supposed to lead to, he fakes ignorance.

"That's not even a real question Baek."

His small friend gives one of his signature wicked grins.

"Who even makes the rules for this huh? Chanyeollie? Are there even rules? You tell me."

Chanyeol sighs. He knows that it's useless to argue with a drunk Baekhyun. One look through the round and no one seems to have a problem with it, especially since it means that almost all of them get to drink.

Chanyeol won't. No one knows apart from Jongin and he would never tell on Chanyeol. So, while everyone is raising their cup, Chanyeol keeps his down which, unfortunately gives him the opportunity to look around.

Naturally his eyes land on Sehun, as they always do. He seems hesitantly at first, as if he had forgotten that he told his friends about his crush. Then he raises his glass and Chanyeol can't help but clench his jaw.

Sehun looks at Johnny and Johnny looks back and they both smile. It's small and it's intimate and it breaks Chanyeol's heart. Then they both take a shot and Chanyeol is sure that everyone around the campfire can hear the broken pieces scatter on the floor.

After that Chanyeol drinks without thinking. It's his twelfth (maybe thirteenth) shot and he doesn't give anything a thought anymore to be honest. He's happy, he's careless, he knows this is just the alcohol speaking but he ignores that part. He needs to drink enough to forget everything that happened that day or the day before or just that whole fucking summer over. Everything since Sehun told him about his crush.

He takes all the shots he needs to and eventually exchanges the juice vodka mix with straight up alcohol, adding some sips from another cup within the rounds of their game. After a while he doesn't really register much of the questions anymore. He's laughing and joking around and forgetting about everything else.

"I can't even think of any questions anymore", Junmyeon mumbles. He's leaning against Chanyeol's shoulder and playing with the strands of Minho's hair.

"Me neither", Chanyeol and Minho say simultaneously causing the three of them to giggle even though it's not very funny. Minho chokes on his drink, spitting it all over his shirt and they laugh more, don't remember how to shut up in their drunken state.

"Hey, pay attention", Jongdae whines, lightly kicking Chanyeol against the shin. "My turn…" At this point the questions are really dumb, asked with the only goal of getting the most people to take a shot. So Jongdae's question doesn't really come as much of a surprise. "Never ever have I had sex."

Chanyeol just takes his glass and takes a sip.

Only when he meets Sehun's eyes, staring back at him in shock he realises that he had made a mistake. Fuck. Sehun wasn't supposed to know this. Sehun was supposed to think that his most serious relationship was his three month long teeny one with that Seungyeon from his maths class. He had been fifteen at the time and didn’t even know how to spell sexual intercourse.

"But you… I thought you never had a relationship."

Chanyeol opens his mouth to say something but no words come out. He's looking to Jongin for help but the younger just shrugs, seeming equally as helpless as Chanyeol feels.

He shakes his head, aware of all the eyes on him. He doesn't dare to meet Sehun's eyes when he answers.

"I… I didn't. It was not…" He's saved from talking more because Baekhyun, as always, can't shut up.

"Pff", he snorts. "Chanyeol never really cared about that part."

"Oh." The pure look of devastation on Sehun's face hurt Chanyeol more than anything he'd ever experienced. Everything he ever wanted was to keep this, the darkest moments of his past, from Sehun and now it's all out there. No going back.

Chanyeol abruptly stands up, startling Junmyeon who was still leaning against him. "I… I need to take a walk", he mumbles. He turns around, almost stumbling over the wooden stump he's been sitting on as he walks away from the fire. He breaks out into a run as soon as he's out of sight. He runs and runs and runs. Until he doesn't feel the alcohol in his blood anymore. Until he can forget that he probably just managed to lose his best friend.

He only stops when he reaches the field where Sehun picked up flowers the day earlier. There he falls down into the damp grass and allows himself to cry.

~•☆•~

He waits until he's sure that everyone is asleep and slowly makes his way back to the house to sleep on the couch. He’s woken up a few hours later by Junmyeon shaking him awake. At first, he has no idea where he is or what happened.

"Wh… where am I? Fuck", he grips his throbbing head and squeezes his eyes together against the glistening sun. "What time is it...?"

"It's already noon", Junmyeon explains, sitting down on the free space next to Chanyeol. Only now does Chanyeol realise that he's already in jeans and a hoodie, holding his wallet and keys in one hand. "The others are still asleep", he adds when he sees Chanyeol looking around in panic, only seeing a sleepy Minho pouring himself a cup of coffee at the kitchen island.

"Everyone's feeling like death, so Minho and I wanted to visit his grandma who lives about two hours from here. I… we wondered if you wanted to join us."

Chanyeol blinks. He's really thankful for the chance out.

"Judging from last night we figured you wouldn't want to spend the day in Sehun's company", Minho answers with a raspy voice. He brings over the cup of coffee and hands it to Chanyeol who takes it thankfully.

"Yeah…no." He lets out a sigh. "I mean I would like to come with you."

Junmyeon smiles sympathetically. "Great. I sneaked into your guys' room and got you a change of clothes."

A few minutes later and the three of them are sitting in Minho's car. They drive in silence for some time before Junmyeon turns around towards Chanyeol. He has that look in his eyes, it's pitiful but not really, he's honestly worried about Chanyeol.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Chanyeol shakes his head. No, he doesn't

His friend only gives a short nod, respecting Chanyeol's decision.

"Is Sehun… is he okay?"

The couple doesn't answer, eventually he hears Junmyeon sigh.

"I wouldn't necessarily say that…"

Despite expecting this answer Chanyeol's heart still aches. He hates himself so much for doing this to Sehun.

"He hates me", Chanyeol simply states, feeling defeated.

He sees Junmyeon shake his head. "He doesn't hate you, he could never."

"I think he's just disappointed. He thinks you don't value or trust him enough to tell him about those details of your life", Minho adds.

Chanyeol thinks about their words for the rest of the drive. He knows that they're true, he just doesn't believe them.

Minho’s and Taemin's grandma is a lovely old lady. She makes Chanyeol eat almost half a cake and pinches his cheeks a few times too often but spending time at her small, cozy house is generally nice.

She has interesting stories to tell about her life and Taemin’s and Minho's childhood, making them laugh and Chanyeol forgets about Sehun and how he fucked up.

When it's time for them to drive back Chanyeol's heart doesn't feel as heavy anymore. He was able to calm down a bit but he's still not ready to face Sehun. It's their last day he thinks. He can avoid him till they get home and after... Chanyeol assumes that he'll spend a lot of his time with Johnny. It seems to be going well for them. That's fine. It's okay. Chanyeol needs to keep his distance anyways. If he's forced to do so because Sehun doesn't want to have anything to do with him anymore he might even be able to do it.

They leave a lot later than they had planned and Minho assumes rightly that they won't return to the house during daylight. Chanyeol shoots Jongin a quick text telling him that they're on their way back.

It's around ten when they finally park the car in front of the house. They walk inside to find Jongin, Yixing and Jongdae sitting at the dinner table, playing a card game. They inform them that most others are already sleeping. Sehun is nowhere to be seen.

"I think we're gonna go up as well", Junmyeon says, wrapping one arm around Minho's waist. "Chanyeol?"

"You can join us if you want!", Yixing suggests with an excited smile.

The taller one shakes his head. "I'm probably gonna take a walk, catch some air. My legs are hurting from the long car ride."

"Okay." Yixing nods. "Have fun."

Chanyeol smiles at him before bidding Minho and Junmyeon good night and leaving through the front door. Outside he takes a deep breath, leaning against the veranda and looking out onto the lake which is sparkling in the moonlight. He walks down the stairs towards the lake when he suddenly hears voices. It's quiet and Chanyeol almost misses it. But when his ears pick it up, he involuntarily takes a step towards the noise, around the house.

They are sitting in a dark corner of the porch. Sehun has his face buried in his hands and Johnny thrown one arm across his shoulder. It looks so intimate, Chanyeol wants to throw up. Then he hears a sobbing sound and his heart stops.

Sehun is crying.

"Hey…it's okay. It's okay to be hurt you know?"

Chanyeol feels like he's drowning. His ears are roaring, and he feels tears filling up his own eyes. He knew that he had hurt Sehun by keeping secrets from him but seeing the extent to which he had fucked up really destroyed him. Of course, Sehun would find comfort in Johnny and Chanyeol can't decide if he feels jealous or if he's glad that someone is at least there to help Sehun through his pain and disappointment.

"I…I just…I thought he…we", Sehun sobs but Johnny shushes him before he can say more, knowing full well that a crying Sehun wasn't able to utter coherent sentences. Chanyeol had only ever seen him like that and that was almost half a year ago when Chanyeol had an accident with his motorcycle and Sehun had thought that he would die. "He won't…he won't understand that I… because he's…" Another heavy cry rips through him, stopping him from talking. He just leans into Johnny's hug and cries while the other murmurs reassuring things into his dark hair.

Chanyeol can't listen to it any longer, he slips away as quietly as he had come and walks along the lake until he can't feel the tears in his eyes anymore. 

He never goes to bed that night, just waits till everyone has gone upstairs before grabbing a hoodie from the coat hanger and leaving. There's a little wooden bench next to the water. It's not far but far enough so that no one will see him from the house.

After almost half an hour someone suddenly sits down next to him. He's surprised to find that it's Sehun.

"What are you doing here?"

Sehun doesn't say a word, he just hands Chanyeol a bottle of water.

They sit there for a long time and when the full moon comes out behind a cloud Chanyeol can see that Sehun's eyes are red. He'd been crying so much. Chanyeol can't help but feel nauseous, because this is his fault.

Eventually Sehun has gathered enough courage to speak.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Chanyeol shrugs. "I was embarrassed."

"Why?"

He buries his face in his hands, taking a deep breath. Even now he feels embarrassed thinking about it. He had never had any real feelings for any of these people. They were all just fill ins for something he could never have.

"I felt like I used them."

"For your own pleasure?", Sehun tilts his head, watching Chanyeol, trying to understand. "Because... hyung there's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with a lot of people, you know?"

"Not really…", Chanyeol admits. "I rarely found any pleasure because I was too drunk to remember anything. No. I used them to fill the meaninglessness of my own life. To forget that no one really loved me. I kinda tried to fill an emptiness inside me through meaningless sex. I was kind of an asshole to most of them as well… I always made clear that I had no interest in them, that I just wanted their…you know."

Chanyeol almost doesn't dare to look at Sehun, scared of the disgust and disappointment he's sure he will find there. Instead he only finds sadness and maybe even pity.

"I'm so sorry", Sehun breathes out, he reaches to take Chanyeol's hand in his, holding it tightly as if to ground him. "I… I didn't know that you felt like this. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know how to…" It was the truth. Chanyeol didn't know how to tell his best friend that he was the reason that he felt like this. Didn't know how to, without revealing his crush or sounding like he blamed Sehun for his misery. It wasn't like Sehun didn't love Chanyeol back on purpose. "I didn't tell anyone. Baekhyun just knew because he always went out with me."

Sehun nods, his thumb stroking soft circles on the back of Chanyeol's hand.

"I hate that part of my life", Chanyeol admits after a while. "I hated myself so much back then, but I couldn't stop…" Because no matter how much I hurt myself it was still more bearable than feeling the pain of unrequited love.

"But eventually you managed to stop, didn't you? You never did that when I started living with you? Right?", Sehun deducts. "I think you only ever stayed overnight somewhere else twice. And that was with Baekhyun and you never brought anyone over either. Why did you stop?"

Because I didn't feel empty anymore.

"I don't know, things just got better and with you being there I wasn't alone anymore. There was someone else I was responsible for which distracted me from the unhealthy lifestyle I was having" It's only half a lie.

"You know that I'm an adult now right? You don't need to baby me anymore."

Chanyeol grins, it's a debate they've had for years. This feels normal, like everything is alright between them.

"You're my best friend and you're younger than me, I'll always baby you."

Sehun chuckles, dropping his head onto Chanyeol's shoulder. He scoots closer and Chanyeol's arm is now pressed against Sehun's side. It feels too intimate and Chanyeol's heart is racing. They're quiet for a while, staring out onto the lake. Until Chanyeol feels like he needs to say something.

"I'm sorry that I never told you about this…I just didn't want you to have this kind of picture of me", he says.

He feels Sehun shake his head. "If that was a part of you hyung, then I'll accept it like I accept every other part of you too.”

Chanyeol nods as a sign for Sehun to continue.

"You're my best friend, no matter what you do, you're only human, you can make mistakes. It won't make me think any less of you."

Chanyeol is stunned silent for a second, he'd never expected an answer this eloquent and thought through from his small bratty Sehunnie, but then again, it's fitting that he'd spare those words for precious moments like this.

"Thank you."

They are silent again until…

"So, you've had had sex then?"

Chanyeol almost chokes on the water he'd been taking a sip of.

Shyly, he nods. "Yeah. I think we established that already."

"So... how was it?" There's a childish curiosity in Sehun's voice, it's amusing really.

Chanyeol shrugs. "Depends on who it was with." He doesn't really want to go into detail.

"What do you mean?" But apparently Sehun wants to so he obliges.

"Well sometimes I was very drunk, and they were very drunk, and it was just messy, others… I don't know, I think there just wasn't the right chemistry. But there were some…" Chanyeol takes a second to remember, some of his affairs had been good, very good and he had enjoyed their time together a lot. So much even that he almost managed to forget his painful crush. Kyungsoo had been one of them of course, then Seohyun, who was so, so pretty, Dahye, from his music history lecture or Jimin, the cute second year who smiled a lot and made Chanyeol feel all kinds of flustered. It hadn't been all bad. Those were some of the good ones, those whose names he still remembered and even sometimes talked to when he saw them on campus. He doesn't tell Sehun that. He simply says: "Some of them, I enjoyed a lot."

He must have looked a bit nostalgic because Sehun's next question is: "And you never felt more for any of them? You never fell in love?"

Chanyeol immediately wants to say no but he stops. He never fell in love like he's in love with Sehun but there had been something. And Chanyeol is tired of lying to his best friend.

"There was one guy…" Sehun visibly flinches but Chanyeol doesn't back out. No more lies. "His name was Kyungsoo… I almost liked him enough to say yes when he asked me to be his boyfriend. But not enough… I don't know I knew that it wouldn't last. He was in love with me and I… I was hung up on some… thing else so I said no. He was okay with it, I mean he told me that he was, but I knew that it hurt him. He moved away soon after."

"Oh."

"Yeah… he's the only one though. There were two or three others I met with more than once, but Kyungsoo was the only one I had any kind of feelings for."

Sehun nods slowly and they sit in silence after that. He is obviously trying to process everything Chanyeol has said so far. Chanyeol is scared what he might say next but he's going to take it. He hid this part of him for so long, now he must face the consequences. But Sehun doesn't say anything like that.

"What was your favourite part? Of the whole sex thing I mean", Sehun asks instead. Obviously eager to change the topic. Chanyeol feels himself blush. Why is he so damn curious about this?

Chanyeol thinks about it. On one hand he's glad that Sehun is handling this in such a normal way, like friends would. As always Chanyeol's the only one making this awkward.

"The kissing, I think? Boring I know" It's true. He always liked that 'before' moment when you could just lose yourself in someone else’s lips. It was what he enjoyed the most and what he was best at. Sure, he wasn't bad at the actual fucking either, or at least that's what they had always told him but among all his temporary partners he was especially known to be an excellent kisser.

Sehun shakes his head. "No not boring. I think it's sweet. Where you good at it?"

"Yes", Chanyeol answers without hesitation.

"Oh." Sehun stares at him a bit surprised, eyes wide and shimmering. Chanyeol knows this look, he always looks like this when he has a plan, a plan that is kind of unusual. Maybe not the best. But he's determined. Chanyeol is scared.

He lets Sehun think about it. Several different emotions ghosting over his face. His cheeks are red and Chanyeol doesn't know if it's because of what he's about to propose or because of the cold. Anyway, he pulls his hoodie off and drapes it over Sehun's shoulders before he can protest. His cheeks turn even redder as he turns around to stare at Chanyeol. Then he just spits it out. Fast. As if it's a single word.

"Whatifyoukissedmehyung?"

Chanyeol can feel his own face heat up as well. There's no way he understood that correctly. No way.

"What?"

"I mean… as practise?", Sehun stutters. Apparently Chanyeol did hear correctly.

"What?" Amazing, Chanyeol. A true master of words.

“For… you know…”, Sehun stutters.

Chanyeol blinks, mouth hanging open. “But wouldn’t you want your first kiss to be with your… your crush?”

"I just… I don't know. I thought that… I mean what if… I don't want my first real kiss to be bad, you know. So, like if I could you know… practice with you… because you obviously know what you're doing…" By now Sehun's face has the same colour as the bright red hoodie Chanyeol had wrapped around him. He’s obviously nervous

"Yes, that makes sense I guess", Chanyeol answers. He's nervous too.

"Okay."

"I just think it's maybe easier with you… because I trust you and I'm already comfortable with you and…", he's rambling so Chanyeol just takes his hands into his, forcing Sehun to look at him.

"Sehunnie. I already said that it's okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Are you?"

Sehun stares into his eyes for a moment, then his eyes wander to his lips and he nods. Chanyeol wants to whimper. He thought about this moment so many times. Not like this, no. In his imagination there were feelings involved. They had just confessed their deepest feelings for each other, were maybe crying. Something like that.

"Okay."

Sehun scoots closer to him, tentatively putting one hand on Chanyeol's leg to steady himself.

"You tell me when it's getting too much or if you want to stop, yeah?"

Sehun nods again, swallowing heavily. The last time Chanyeol had seen him this nervous, he had been in sixth grade and Jongin and Taemin had convinced him to try and jump from the 10-metre board at their local pool. He hadn't done it and just came back down, crying and burying his face in Chanyeol's chest, who had then resumed to yell at both their friends for making his Sehunnie cry. Chanyeol wanted to make sure that he wouldn't run this time, that he wouldn't back down. This wasn't a situation anyone should be scared of. He really, really wants this to be good for Sehun, for him to enjoy this.

He swallows his own anxiety down and reaches forward, taking Sehun's hand which isn't holding on to Chanyeol's leg in his own and pulls him a little closer. Their faces are almost touching now.

He feels a heartbeat, it's fast, nervous. He's not sure if it's his own or Sehun's. Chanyeol stops for a second to look at Sehun. His eyes are squeezed shut, his lips are slightly parted. He looks expectant yet still very nervous. Chanyeol wants this to be good for him. For both of them. This might be the only chance he'll ever get to be this close to Sehun, even if it's just for 'practice'.

"Don't expect too much", he whispers, trying to lift the heavy weight off his shoulders. This is gonna be Sehun's first kiss, it needs to be perfect. It can't be if the younger stays as tense as he's now. So Chanyeol lifts one hand to rest against Sehun's cheek. It's soft, warm from his blushing despite the cold night air. He strokes the skin with his thumb and Sehun's face relaxes immediately. He looks so small and young now and Chanyeol loves him so much, but he can't think about that now.

"Are you sure you want this?", he asks again.

"Yes, now kiss me", Sehun breathes out and that's all Chanyeol needs to let that part of him that has wanted this, imagined this, for years, take over.

He leans in closer and then his lips are on Sehun's. They slot together perfectly. Chanyeol's head is spinning, unable to process anything but the feeling of Sehun's lips against his own. He forces himself to move his mouth and the small surprised gasp Sehun lets out might just be the most adorable sound Chanyeol has ever heard.

It takes a second until Sehun realises that he needs to kiss back and when he does it's so, so sweet. It's obvious that he has no idea what he's doing. It's cute and Chanyeol smiles into the kiss. It's not bad, just a little clumsy. He makes sure that he takes his time, slow, tentative motions Sehun can easily copy. He's always been a fast learner so this should be no exception. Chanyeol can be patient until he gets the hang of it. Eventually he gets better, repeating what Chanyeol is doing but changing it up slowly.

Sehun's hand wanders from Chanyeol's leg to his waist, fisting the fabric there. Chanyeol's just stay on Sehun's face, trying to steady him. He only moved them slightly so that one of them his playing with the soft hair in Sehun's neck. Because he knows that Sehun usually loves it when Chanyeol cards his fingers through his hair.

He must like it in this situation as well because he lets out a small sigh when Chanyeol does it.

They've been kissing for a few minutes like that, chaste, soft, exploring, but then Chanyeol feels Sehun getting impatient.

"M…more", Sehun mumbles between breaths, pressing himself closer to Chanyeol. He takes this as a sign to deepen the kiss, he wasn't sure if Sehun would be okay with it. So, he had started off slow and would have been totally okay with keeping it like that if it would've been all Sehun had wanted.

But after now having his consent, he decides that it's okay to be bolder. The older gently coaxing Sehun's mouth open to slip his tongue inside. He lets out a soft moan at the soft velvety feel, or maybe it was Sehun, he's not sure.

Practice, he reminds himself again. Just practice.

But it feels so good. So much better than _just practice_ should. It’s so good that Chanyeol’s lovesick brain tries to forget that this isn’t real. That Sehun is not kissing him because he’s in love with him. He’s in love with someone else. And that’s why he’s kissing Chanyeol. To practice.

Sehun has gained a lot more confidence into his actions throughout their kiss and Chanyeol is almost startled when Sehun begins to nip at his bottom lip, only a hint of teeth, teasing not, biting. He tries his best not to cry. There’s a reason why he loved kissing so much more than anything else.

They come apart to breathe for a second.

“Was that good?”, Chanyeol whispers, he feels lightheaded, almost drunk. His voice sounds wrecked and he wonders how that came about. He’s had sexual encounters of many kinds with dozens of people without sounding as spent as he did now. Just Sehun’s lips alone made him feel like he had died and gone to Heaven.

Sehun nods, looking a little out of it himself. Chanyeol places a soft peck to the corner of Sehun’s lips which has the younger squeeze his eyes shut and rest his forehead against Chanyeol’s before leaning in again on his own accord, connecting their lips again.

They kiss for what feels like hours and only stop when Sehun begins to shiver even under Chanyeol’s hoodie. He thinks that it’s enough for one day. Even if he secretly wished to continue this forever and ever and ever.

“It’s late and you’re freezing”, he says instead.

Sehun stares at him, unable to form any words, eventually he nods.

“We should go to sleep”, he agrees, voice deep and raspy. Yet he does nothing but sit there, staring at Chanyeol, studying every detail of his face. Thinking. Chanyeol lets him.

Eventually Sehun stands up. His cheeks are soft pink, he's blushing and there's a small, shy smile lighting up his face. From his red, slightly swollen lips to his glassy eyes. He's beautiful.

"They are right, you know? You're a good kisser. A really good one."

With that he turns around and walks back up towards the house. Chanyeol watches him do so, not missing it when Sehun suddenly turns around again and smiles at him. It sends shivers all through his body.

They don't talk about it the next day. Or ever. Baekhyun rides home with Yixing so Chanyeol is back in the other car. Johnny sits between the two of them, they don't even touch. Maybe Sehun had told him to sit in the middle, revolted by the thought of touching Chanyeol again.

~•☆•~

It's the last weekend before their summer holidays end and Chanyeol doesn't know whether he should be glad that they are over because it will stop their friends from bringing up Sehun's crush whenever they are together. Or sad because… well college was hard and holidays and summer with his family and friends were always better than studying and living on cup ramen and take out only. But being back at Uni also meant that he'd be living with Sehun again. All summer long he'd thought about how that was gonna be like with Sehun now having a crush on someone else and him still being madly in love with his best friend.

Now Chanyeol has something different to worry about. It's been three weeks since their trip. Three weeks since they kissed. They haven't talked about it, not once. It wasn't too weird because they've never been alone, at least one of their friends had been with them all the time. Once they got back to their apartment it would only be the two of them, no distractions, no friends to keep them from addressing the elephant in the room. Chanyeol doesn't know what he's more scared of, that they never address it and it will forever be this weird thing standing between them or, that they talk about it eventually and that he'll break and tell Sehun about his feelings. No matter what, it will end badly and Chanyeol has been dealing with a lot of regrets over the last few weeks. He should've never kissed Sehun, but they had been slightly too emotional and Sehun was so vulnerable and so was Chanyeol's broken heart. It had been a bad idea yet inevitable. Chanyeol had never been strong enough to resist and now he had to deal with the consequences.

He hasn't seen his friends all week. Jongin had started his internship already, Junmyeon and Minho had to work again and Jongdae and Minseok were helping his younger sister move into her dorm room at university. So Chanyeol too had made himself busy. Monday he'd been to the dog park with Baekhyun and their puppies. On Tuesday he'd gone shopping with his mum, she wanted to renovate the living room so that was what he had been doing for the next two days. Where renovating alone already was a hard task, doing it in the burning August heat was absolute horror. Yesterday evening had therefore found him tired and trained and he had fallen into bed without a second thought.

After waking up he has realised that through all this he never got the time to pack his suitcase for Uni. Three hours later he has pulled out the suitcase from the closet he had stuffed it into two months ago and was now, still in his pyjama trying to sort through his closet, trying to decide on what to take with him and what to leave at his parents' house.

He hasn't got much done though because somewhere between folding the clothes he planned on taking back and sorting through his papers, his head got other ideas, like remembering how it had felt to kiss Sehun. Like he had done so often over the last three weeks. Because, besides all the regrets he couldn't deny that it had felt way too right. Exactly like he had imagined it for over five years now. Of course, the trouble he was dealing with now hasn't been worth it… or that's at least what Chanyeol has been trying to tell himself. Those thoughts won't leave his head no matter how hard he tries, and they distract him more than he likes to admit.

Three hours later Chanyeol is still in his pyjamas but having now migrated to his desk chair, trying to decide if he should take his dark green hoodie or the baby blue sweater when his best friend decides to pay him a visit.

"Go out with me?", Sehun asks as soon as he walks into Chanyeol's room without even a proper hello. Just like that, like everything is normal, as if they hadn't kissed, as if it was still the beginning of the summer and everything was as it had always been.

The older almost falls out of his chair, thinking he misheard his best friend.

"W- what?", he stutters, cheeks turned red.

"I asked if you wanted to go out with me tonight?", Sehun repeats, a bright smile on his face as he plops down onto Chanyeol's carpet. Right between Chanyeol's half packed suitcase and the college documents he'd been printing out. It's all one big mess really, he should have done one thing at first and then the next instead of everything at once.

"To do what?"

Sehun shrugs, picking up one of the papers from under his ass. It's a form he needs to fill out in order to get a student discount on his monthly ticket for public transport. "I don't know. Just something. Visit that small ice cream shop at the river, the cinema, take a walk, I don't care. I'm just bored and want to spend some the last day of my summer holidays with my best friend."

Just like before, Chanyeol thinks. Like nothing has changed.

"Yeah, sure", he therefore says without thinking about it. The desire to make everything be normal again was bigger than his worries.

Sehun grins up at him, for the first time in a long time his childish careful smile is meant for Chanyeol.

"Great, then I'll pick you up at six!" With that he jumps up again, leaving a confused Chanyeol on his chair.

"Wait where are you going?", he yells after his best friend. Sehun peaks his head through the door, a wicked grin on his face.

"I have to get some stuff done before", is all the answer he gets before Sehun vanishes again.

It's needless to say that he gets even less done after that.

~•☆•~

Chanyeol knows it's not a date.

He knows.

Yet it feels like one as he's rummaging through his closet for something stylish to wear. He doesn't even know why he cares so much about it. It's not like it's the first time him and Sehun had gone and done something on a Friday night. He had seen him in his oldest, dirtiest clothes, without showering for like three days. There was really nothing he could do to impress him but still. Something felt different today and Chanyeol wanted to look good.

He eventually settles on a pair of dark red pants and a light blue t-shirt. It's a normal look, something he'd wear to a normal outing, but he thinks that he looks really good in it. Baekhyun had once said that the pants make his ass look especially sexy which was also a plus.

It's five minutes till six when the doorbell rings and Chanyeol slips into a pair of flipflops before opening.

"Why are you ringing, you could've just…", the words stop right there as Chanyeol lays his eyes on Sehun.

He's wearing a white shirt and black jeans under a denim jacket, which is a look, honestly but it's not the reason why Chanyeol gasps. It's Sehun's hair which is platin blond. A huge difference from his normal black hair he had just a few hours ago. A really hot difference. It's not the first time Sehun had bleached or coloured his hair. When he was in his first year of High School, he had coloured it light pink but back then he was still younger, his cheeks had been chubbier, and he had looked super adorable. Now though…

"Your hair!"

Sehun grins. "It's blond I know."

"Is that why you had to leave earlier today?"

He shrugs pulling Chanyeol out of the house. "Partly yeah." He skips down the stairs to their front porch and Chanyeol follows him, still in shock over how good Sehun looked with his new hair colour.

"I just wanted something new. A change for the start of the semester!"

Chanyeol nods as he follows. He gets it. And in a way it's reassuring, a small change is okay, it helps him to forget about the big change that's about to come, even if it's just for a little while.

They end up at the ice cream parlour near the river after checking out the cinema program and finding no movie they're interested in. The old man which manages it has been there ever since Chanyeol and Sehun have been kids. He has always looked like that too, as if he had never aged. As long as Chanyeol could remember he had been this old man, with dark grey hair, a nice smile and a loud laugh. When they were younger, he always used to give Sehun an extra scoop of ice cream saying that he was too thin anyway. Chanyeol goes inside to get their ice cream while Sehun goes down to the river to search for a free park bench to sit on.

The man behind the counter is serving a young girl when he sees Chanyeol approach.

"Would you look at that. Park Chanyeol, you grow taller and taller every time I see you!"

Chanyeol grins, it's what he always said whenever he saw Chanyeol.

"Maybe. It's nice to see you Mr. Kang." He scans the menu for what to get.

A few minutes later he comes back outside, finding Sehun on the second bench to the right, the one which is standing in the shade of a big, old tree and closest to the water. It’s Sehun’s favourite place. He sits down and hands the other his ice cream. Sehun smiles up at him, asking how much he owes Chanyeol but the older just waves him off.

"Why did Johnny leave already? Didn't he want to spend the whole summer here?", Chanyeol eventually asks as they sit there, next to the river, licking their ice creams. It was something he's been wondering about the whole week since Sehun has told him Sunday evening that Johnny had left a few hours earlier.

"Oh, his boyfriend spontaneously came back earlier from visiting his family in Thailand and he wanted to spend the remaining time with him", Sehun explains, licking a drop of chocolate ice cream from his fingers which has dropped there.

Chanyeol chokes on his ice cream, not expecting this answer at all.

"Johnny has a boyfriend?"

Sehun nods, looking confused. "Yes? Ten. You know him, he was at Jackson's birthday party." He takes his napkin to wipe the chocolate ice cream off Chanyeol's pants. "You two talked about this Japanese game show you enjoy so much. And we went studying in the library with him once, remember?"

Chanyeol does remember him. He remembers that he was small and very pretty and funny. Could talk for hours and had almost as much energy as Baekhyun. And about the same sense for mischief. He matched perfectly with Johnny now that Chanyeol thought about it.

"I thought that was his roommate."

Sehun shrugs. "Well yeah, he is his roommate but they're also boyfriends. I really thought you knew."

He didn't. Johnny had been sick at Jackson's party otherwise he would've probably been able to deduct it from their behaviour. But this way? He had had no idea.

"Then why does he spend so much time with us? Johnny I mean."

Sehun shrugs. "Ten is an art major and on the dance team and has often practice on the weekend and a whole lot of commissions to do. I suppose Johnny doesn't want to be alone in their apartment all the time. They've been together for three years and live together, they probably see each other more often than the average couple. Ten used to live in the states like Johnny and then they moved here together. I think they’re over that clingy couple phase."

Oh. That made sense to Chanyeol. He leans back, taking a scoop of his coconut ice cream.

"Can I ask why we're here?", he says after a while. His ice cream is finished, and they've been quiet for some time already. Not that Chanyeol wasn’t simply enjoying his time with Sehun but he knew him. He knew that the younger had something in mind when he had asked him out like this.

Sehun nods, Chanyeol only realises now that he's blushing. "I think I'm ready to tell you who my crush is?"

Chanyeol almost drops his phone which he had been holding. This wasn't what he had been expecting. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. After tomorrow summer will be over and we need to go back to Uni… I want all the weirdness to be over too so that everything can be normal again. I feel like this is the only way I can achieve this."

"Okay, yeah. If you feel this way…" Chanyeol's heart is beating faster. For so long he has wanted to know who the mysterious guy was, but now that he was actually about to find out, he is really scared. If it wasn't Johnny, then Chanyeol has no idea who it could be. All summer long he had tried to be okay with the image of Sehun and Johnny in his head. Now he had to start all over again, accepting someone else in their circle of friends as Sehun’s potential future partner.

Sehun tilts his head, watching Chanyeol’s thought process. “Do you really want to know?”

Chanyeol nods. He’s scared, yes, but he rather wants to know now than live with this uncertainty any longer. “I always thought it was Johnny”, he admits.

Sehun stares at him for a second before bursting out in laughter. “What the fuck man?”

Chanyeol shrugs, only slightly embarrassed. “I don’t know, it made sense. He’s a very lovable person. And you hung around him a lot.”

Sehun smirks, eyebrows raised, he’s clearly amused over Chanyeol’s assumption. “Yeah, because he’s my best friend. You also hang around Jongin a lot.”

“Hmm”, he doesn’t know what to argue against that. It’s true but… "But why did you… I mean you've been so close to Johnny all the time while he was here, always sneaking around… and when you drank after Yixing's question if someone has a crush on someone in the room you looked at him."

Sehun lets out a sigh.

"Because he knows who it is."

Chanyeol blinks. "That's why you were being secretive? You could have just told me."

Sehun knits his hands. "I didn't want to hurt you."

"Why would that hurt me?"

"Because he knows who it is, and I told you that I wasn't ready to tell anyone yet. You're like my soulmate Yeollie, that’s more than a best friend. You should be the first one to know those kinds of things about me."

Huh. Chanyeol hasn't thought that far but now that Sehun has mentioned it, he has to admit that it does hurt him a bit. He doesn't understand why Sehun would tell Johnny and not him.

"And why did you tell him and not me?"

Sehun shakes his head. "I didn't want to do it. It was just…" He takes a deep breath. This isn't easy for him. "About three months ago, a few weeks before summer break, I was having a really bad day, remember when I almost failed my final exam in broadcasting technology? The same day he… my crush he said something, not intentionally I know but it killed every bit of hope inside me that he could ever love me back. So yeah, I was sad and heartbroken and totally overworked and sleep deprived and I just started crying while you were at uni. Johnny came over to drop something off but when he found me crying, he stayed, and I just broke down and told him everything."

"Oh." Chanyeol remembered that day, he had stayed longer at Uni to finish his assignment and the whole day long he had felt like shit for not staying home while Sehun was devastated due to his finals. He had gotten him his favourite donuts on the way home and when he arrived Sehun's face had been all red and puffy. He had said that it was because of his allergies and Chanyeol had believed him. Sehun had always had problems with his pollen allergies.

Hearing now that it was a lie hurt him. "Why did you lie to me? You could have told me that you cried because of your finals and just leave out the crush part."

Sehun shakes his head, observing Chanyeol's every reaction. "Somehow that felt like the bigger lie..."

Chanyeol nods. He maybe doesn’t really understand but he’s going to respect all of Sehun’s feelings and actions. Especially since he did just try to protect himself. It wasn’t his fault that Chanyeol was a little bitch, who’s feelings were easily hurt.

Sehun takes a deep breath. “Will you let me talk without saying anything?”

“Of course.”

He stares at Sehun, thinking that he’ll just tell him now but instead he takes another breath. This isn’t easy for him, he needs time and Chanyeol is gonna give it to him.

“Remember, when you had that accident with your motorcycle? I told you that I thought you were going to die because you didn’t wake up after the surgery. But that wasn’t the whole truth. I had been calling you the whole day because I wanted to tell you about the internship I got, but I couldn’t reach you and then I texted Baekhyun and Jongin, but they also didn’t know anything. I ran home but you weren’t there and I searched for you for hours and I couldn’t find you and I was so scared because I knew, I knew something bad must have happened. And then I just sat in our apartment and cried and cried and cried without ever stopping because I couldn’t imagine my life without you. But it wasn’t only the suspect of losing you as a best friend but… something else… something I didn’t yet understand. I was such a mess. And then… then your mum called me and told me about the accident, and I rushed to the hospital and you were still in surgery. I stayed there until you were back in your room and I stayed while they waited in vain for you to wake up and when they transferred you to the intensive care unit. And then I stayed till you woke up again. And while I was sitting there, I was trying to figure out what I was feeling, and I realised that I had been feeling this way for quite some time now. They told your mum and dad that the chances of you waking up were only about fifty-four percent and…. and I thought. You’d die. That you wouldn’t wake up. And the only thing in my mind was that you’d die before I could tell you. I didn’t even realise what I wanted to tell you because I was so afraid and confused and it took me almost half a year to realise what exactly it was that I was feeling.”

“What are you trying to say?”, Chanyeol asks. His voice is shaking. He doesn’t want to assume, he doesn’t want to get his hopes up only to be disappointed. He needs Sehun to say it.

“It’s you, hyung. It’s you who I’m in love with.”

Chanyeol breathes out a breath he didn’t even realise he was holding.

“I just wanted to tell you because I don’t think I’ll be able to hide it much longer.”

He stares at Sehun, his face blank of expressions. He doesn't know how to react. Does he cry? Laugh? Just grab Sehun by the collar and smash their lips together? Does he jump up and do a happy dance? Somehow, he wants to do all of those things at once. After years of hiding his emotions, he really has no idea of how to showcase them now. But he should do it somehow, before Sehun thinks that he's rejecting him. Before he needs to know one thing though.

"What did I say back then that made you cry so much?"

“Oh. Ahem…” He seems embarrassed, so Chanyeol just reaches out and takes his hand, squeezing it reassuringly. Sehun has tears in his eyes and it hurts Chanyeol to think even for a second that Sehun could assume that he’s rejecting him. Sehun stares at their linked hands before looking up and meeting Chanyeol’s eyes. “You said something about a friend of yours… I now realise that it was a joke, but it just fuelled my insecurities back then… He was saying something about his girlfriend, that she didn’t want to sleep with him, and you said well then find another one who’s more willing to, it’s not like there’s more to love… something like that.”

Chanyeol cringes. He really sounded like and asshole. It must have just been a joke. He would never mean something like that.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t…” He doesn’t know what to say. He remembers now. He had been on the phone with Sehun while walking to a lecture with his friend Minjun who had complained about his girlfriend all day and Chanyeol had said something like that yeah. Because he was tired, and annoyed because Minjun just didn’t shut up and all he wanted to do was listen to Sehun talk about this movie he wanted to watch once Chanyeol came home from school. So, he had just said something to shut him up, not thinking about Sehun listening to what he was saying or about how much he sounded like a douchebag. Even though he had just been talking about Minjun’s relationship specifically, not about love in general. But Sehun didn’t know that of course.

“You thought that I was a douchebag who was only interested in sleeping with people and didn’t care for love or relationships, right?”

Sehun nods, mouth slightly opened. “I…”, he starts. “I should’ve known better. That you’re not that kind of person… I almost forgot about it but then Baekhyun said all that stuff about you sleeping with all those people and thought that… that maybe…”

“That maybe I am that superficial asshole.”

“Yeah”, Sehun breathes out.

“I am not.” But he sees how Sehun was led to think that.

“I know that now.”

Chanyeol turns towards Sehun, still holding on to his hand. “I’m sorry that you thought that.”

Sehun shakes his head. “No. I’m sorry that I let my insecurities decide my actions instead of just straight out asking you how you meant that.”

Chanyeol nods. They both behaved like idiots. They stare at each other, gaze intense, until Sehun blushes and quickly looks away. Only then does he realise, that he still owes Sehun an answer.

“Hey”, Chanyeol starts, softly, pulling on Sehun’s hand so that he faces him again. “So, I’m your crush?”

Sehun nods, blushing even more.

“Huh, so you’re telling me I was jealous for nothing?”

Sehun frowns. “Why were you jealous?”

Chanyeol grins at him, cupping his red face with his hands.

“Because, my little, oblivious Sehunnie, I have had a crush on too. For quite some time now.”

Sehun’s breathing hitches.

“R… really?”

“Yeah…and now that we established this”, Chanyeol starts, his eyes moving to the younger’s lips. “I would really like to kiss you again. For real this time.”

Sehun blinks, his eyes now also drawn to Chanyeol’s plum lips. “Y… yeah me too.”

Chanyeol doesn’t remember who leans in first, all he remembers is that their second kiss tastes like chocolate and coconut. That it feels even better than their first one, because this one is real. This one promises him a future with Sehun, this one confirms that Sehun actually, really likes him back.

“You’re actually a really good kisser you know”, Chanyeol says after a while when he’s just resting his forehead against Sehun’s.

“Thanks”, Sehun chuckles.

“So you wanted to practice kissing me by kissing me?”

“Don’t question my methods, Park”, Sehun says, biting Chanyeol’s bottom lip teasingly. Chanyeol feigns being offended until Sehun kisses him again. And again. And again.

And again.

**Author's Note:**

> This project started out as something that should never reach more than 6k words but somehow we're here now, almost half a year and 30k words later. This is my longest fic yet and I honestly don't know what to think about it... It's been full of ups and downs and I honestly thought that I'd never finish it. The title is based on a song by SHINee's Kibum with the same title and I advice you all to go and listen to his whole discography, it's amazing!
> 
> Let me know how you liked it! :)


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